When I Need a Ride.

Last night I feel apart. And Fliec was the only person who was there to help me pick up the pieces.

Thursday was a day which was doomed from the start. It is after all Thursday, kinda shoved in there before Friday with no real purpose but to annoy and taught. As a college student I’ve grown to love Thursdays cause it’s the last day I have class, but also so removed from the upcoming week I feel completely dissolved of responsibilities.

But yesterday didn’t feel right from the beginning. Maybe cause I skipped my therapist appointment, had been spending too much time at home and got in a fight with my mom, or ate too much and then felt really sick. I don’t know? I had plans last night, but never heard from nikki. It worked out well because I didn’t really feel like making the drive to see her anyway. So when I got home the roomie and I each had a drink. It wasn’t a real drink, it was a DRINK!!! With at least 3 shots in it. I had mine with V8, hot sauce, pepper and celery. DELICICIOUS. There was nasty beer I had later in the night.

The drink was good, the night was not. In not so many words I lost it. I’d been holding onto my shit all day, but at the frat house we occasionally visit, I didn’t feel right. My roomie drove (which was a dumb move on my part). So I felt stranded there, and I needed to leave, go home and cry alone. Roomie was ‘a waste case’ So; I texted slash called all my close friends. But there was a storm watch, didn’t answer my call, she was in the library, she was getting to drunk to respond, she lives to far away etc…. And each of my strong hold friends fell through. They just couldn’t be there for me. But Fliec could. And all I said was “please come get me I need to go home”

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that ive hurt you. I really am”
“I’ll be home soon. I can give you a ride if you need one.”
“I’m getting of the freeway”
“Here”

And I left that notorious frat house to get into a much less notorious car. From beer pong to bright eyes.

Yeah, we haven’t talked in over a week, and during that time I haven’t cried much. How did she know that I really needed her. I needed someone to save me from the situation and Fliec was that person. She told me last night in the car that she’s terrible at keeping a date. Invite her to the movies, dinner, a funeral even and she will most likely cancel. She’s irresponsible and would seem flaky to others. That’s not really who she is. I understand why she cancels on people and disappears from her friends. For control. But when you really REALLY need someone, when I really REALLY needed her last night, she was there. Fliec was the only person who was there.

Not m, e, bean, fed, chaz, the pachota sisters, my big, jay w, even meg couldn’t do for me what she did.

We talked in the car, Fliec knows she’s stuck with me for life! She changed me, has left a mark on my heart which time won’t ever forget. Some people walk in and out of my life without changing me, but not her. She knows that too. Fliec told me about her life. It felt amazing. I wanted to stay there listen to bright eyes, looking at my fence, waiting to climb over it and hear her entire life story. But that couldn’t be and the call from her girlfriend reiterated that. She had other places to be, even with her wondering eye. I realize that we both desperately want to be in each other’s lives. We understand and appreciate each other without much explanation. That kind of love is hard to find, a love with no needed explanation. But until I can look at her and not want to fall into her arms, she’ll keep her distance and I’ll be forced to keep mine.

She said she loves me. I said I love her.

I didn’t kiss her. Made progress. Told her my deepest fears and then climbed the fence. Broke into my own apartment. And cried.

I cried for everything that she was. For how much she still cares. She was the only person who knew how to save me last night, and the only person who could.

One day I’ll save myself, maybe one day I’ll save her?