Find the Good

Ok so I'm trying to find the good that came out of a very very shitty relationship and breakup. Looking on the happier side of life can be difficult but kind necessary. Cause I don't want to end up an mean cynic or debbie downer. So...

The Top 5 Good Things That Came From My Breakup slash relationship

5. I began to read/appreciate, riese's l-word recap blog And duh now I have time to write my own blog. (not to mention all the great material I have to write about now. Future blogs will be promise less break-up drama)

4. All the stress associated with dating a crazy, ax- murder made me loose 5lbs. I was constantly afraid she would kill me in my sleep. (Ok this is a lie but let's pretend it's true. It's what every single girl wishes for. )

3. I became an excellent grilled cheese maker (chaz can also testify to this, right chaz?) Also I learned how to correctly take care of a cast iron skillet.

2. I watched all 4 seasons of the L-word. This is knowledge and lesbo culture that you can't put a price tag on. But the box set cost $126.99 on amazon.com fyi.

1. I rediscovered how much I love to paint, draw and write. That my life goals includes blogging everyday, establishing myself as a painter, moving to a big(ger) city and becoming an art therapist.

Can anyone think of anything more??????

My Heart Still Breaks.

Masochism, foolish and broken heart. Those are my four letter words today.

But above all Fliec is the real four letter word in my life. Yes her. That girl who stole my heart, who I willingly gave my heart to. She took it and did what with it? Held if for a while. Loved it, but then destroyed it. I've never done that before. Never given myself to someone so completely and I'm suffering dearly now.

Ok the reader's digest version is this: I met a girl (Fliec as I like refer to her) and we fell in love at first sight. No joke, she told me she loved me after less then a month of dating. It was perfection and so much more! We planned OUR future. Had this adorable thing we would tell each other. "I want to see your boobs get saggy" It was our way of saying, can we spend the rest of our lives together. So yeah we were just a little tiny bit in love. But she dumped me.
Well first she cheated on me,
I dumped her
She cried
I cried
I took her back
She lied
I didn't trust her
But we loved each other.
Throw in a few trips, family events and a hundred thousand "I love you's" and that about sums up our relationship.

What prompted all of this sudden anger toward her was my stupid move to yes... read her blog. I'm so stupid!!!! I just checked it at first, skimmed her new post looking for key words like my name, her new girlfriends name, maybe even hopefully some reference to how much she misses me slash hates her new girlfriend. Something juicy. A tiny thread of hope that I still might mean something to her. But what instead I found were a few sentences down at the bottom. Tucked away from the pictures and jokes.

"I think I've finally figured this relationship thing out. My heart and head are in the same place."

Ummmmm HELP PLEASE!!!! Can someone take this gun away from my head, cause I wanna die right now. I really do. (not actually, but over exaggerating for me is like breathing oxygen, very very important)

The thing that really got to me, was not so much these words or the thought of Fliec with another girl. The thing that makes me really angry, wanna throw marshmallows at the wall, slam doors and kill kittens, is how deeply it affected me. What makes me mad is my own reaction. Letting go of 'us' has taken time and lots of tears. But for Fliec it took, oh I don't know TWO FUCKING SECONDS! Yeah I'm a little bitter, so what!
Please people out in cyber space, my fellow had your heart broken lesbians: How did you find yourself when everything felt lost in one person? Time heals all wounds I know, but I'm a proactive person. How do I find myself in the chaos she left behind?

Carrie: Have you ever been in love?
Mr. Big: Absofuckinglutely!

Just want to share

So everyone and their mother has seen two girls in one cup. Or at least please tell me you've heard of it. ewww gross. But I wanted to share this delightful spin off. It makes me happy and delightful and I think a puppy is nuzzling my leg under the table. perfect music choice. I'm also glad that we dont actually hear mayer's voice cause he can be kinda obnoxious when he talks. Sry but that's my opinion. obviously it's my blog. That kinda reminds me of how angry a certain person (fliec as she will be called) use to get when I'd say "honestly......" She argued then that everything else I said was probs a lie. ok enough done is done watch the video.

First love, will it ever be the last?

True love it's on my mind.

As I've gained more relationship experience I realize that how I define and identify true changes. Reflecting back on past relationships I realize that what I considered love then, was not the same as what I consider love now. My first real relationship lasted almost a year, and though the breakup wasn't painless, it was swift. When we broke up I knew in my heart that I would never ever not for a million dollars (well maybe for two million dollars) get back together. I could still stand on my own two feet, make myself happy and feel confident in my happiness. But each successive breakups since then have become increasingly more difficult. Sure I had a few that were easy to let go, but it's only cause I never liked them much to being with.

Most everyone I am close friends with right now is in a committed relationship. It's really surprising actually. But they are not just in any space-filling, bored, need someone to go to the movies with me- relationship but rather the kind they think slash hope will last forever. (like a diamond) Yeah they all think they are in deep true mad love. hahah. I can only laugh. I'm in the lucky (or unlucky) position of being very... yes very single, you got that right. I'm single ladies. But not really looking. Totally besides the point.

Why is breaking up so hard to do? Why is unidentifying yourself with another person difficult? Why do we stay in unhealthy relationships because we fear being alone forever? Why do we loose our self and how do we find that person again? How do we prevent from loosing our self or is that an inevitable part of falling in love? Can you fall in love and not loose yourself?

No i don't think you can- I wish I could. I really do. But I think part of falling truly madly deeply in love means doing things, acting in ways, skipping class, ignoring friendships, blowing off commitments, changing priorities, and ultimately reorganizing your life. That's what we do when we fall in love, loose our self. When the breakup comes it hurts, not only cause you realize you've lost that person, but also cause you've lost yourself. Who do you call when you feel down? How do you spend next saturday night? What made you happy before they entered your life? sometimes you don't know. That's what's really scary. It's what frightens me to the core. How does loving someone else turn into loosing yourself?
I want answers people. I don't have them but probs neither do you.

Perhaps there is something beyond true mad love. A love that makes sense, has boundaries, keep your space and yourself identity. Love that isn't consuming, where you still know who you are. Or maybe that's not love at all? It's only pretending to be love. So if loosing love can be so hard why do we crave it in the first place? We know the stakes are so high! Is the ultimate reward higher? Is love worth it?

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."
-Unknown

Guest Blogger Elizabeth

Ok my bestie Elizabeth is sitting with me today and gonna help me write my most gay post yet!!!!

Elizabeth is going to a magic show tomorrow, at the public library. Wanna know why elizabeth is gay? Cause she lied to her parents, told them she was spending the night at my house but she wasn't. NO she was at her gf's house. And now her parents (homophobes) think we are dating or something. EWWW grosss. Never ever would I date her. that's a lie. I would.

"FUCK YOU CLARE"-e

"Ok later.... (wink wink)"-me

So anyway I went up north with elizabeth and she's going to give you a quick recap:

Friday: Roadtrip to the end of the universe and back. RO -> Westland -> Detroit -> RO -> fucking Mackinac. And I drove the whole way. Clare didn't even offer to drive. That might be a lie. I'll think about it. Anyway, we got to the cabin and played Mad Gab with OtherClaire and Sami. We start talking about things like Shane's celibacy kick and how Bette and Tina are soo going to get back together. Cue straight girls' confusion: are these friends of yours? Gay pride: basically. Clare and I love to talk about l-word ladies like we know them... cause we wish we did. Later that night: mouse poo in beds, so we graciously offer them to the high school girls and take the poo-less one. Sleep.

Saturday: Wake up to my mom being the loudest coffee-cup-putter-downer ever. Drink coffee. Feel better. Look absolutely adorable laying in bed, reading newspaper, and drinking coffee. Like a little gay couple In the middle of the living room surrounded by 18 other people. Most all anti-gay.

"ps i clare, need to intrude for a sec to say that i look really gay most of the time. But especially now that I have short hair and spent the night spooning Elizabeth. Elizabeth has yet to tell her parents that we are just friends and I can only assume that they think we are together. EWW gross! So I had this whole story I was gonna tell elizabeth's family in case they asked that would make me less gay. The story is: The reason I cut my hair short is cause my boyfriend's sister has cancer and had to shave her head. So to show support I cut my hair short. I know an amazing story that makes me seem like the most sensitive straight person ever! But they didn't ask, so they still think we are 'are going steady' (isn't that what old people call it). Now back to elizabeth"

Longest intrusion ever (yeah sexual innuendo). Back to Saturday: We drive to Mackinaw City in the scariest driving conditions ever. (long pause in typing to relive near death experience.) Mackinaw City: Poker Run, which=going to the only 15 businesses in the city that are open and getting a card from them, then seeing if you had an amazing hand at the end or not. 15 cards and the best I could come up with was a pair of 2's and a King. I didn't win.

Every year my dad has this "Tackinaw" contest. He gives us all $5 and we have to buy the tackiest souvenir we can find that says Mackinac on it somewhere. Clare came in 5th (out of 14) with this hideous pink elephant sippy cup type deal. I came in 3rd (which I think we can all agree is better than 5th) with a rainbow hat with a horn on the top. See picture. It's awesome. But not as awesome as OtherClaire's shirt that says "Party until 2000! (wake me up in 2001)." because it was sitting there for 8 years before someone bought it. The winner was some weird foot thing. We still don't know what it is. no one cared anyway.

Anyway. At the Hotel: wine, hot tub, pool football, foursome the shower, apples to apples, vodka. And now I need to go to therapy 3 times a week because I watched my brother make out with my straightgirl crush...who then jumped me. Nast. E. I told my brother he can have her. He told me no, I can have her. But I'm the one who already has someone (amazing) so I win that one. Or at the very least, straightgirl just loses. Cue lots of drama, then sleep.

Sunday: Everyone leaves and the homos and straightgirls go back to the cabin. We make them watch a gay movie ("Kissing Jessica Stein" which is not great as far as gay movies go, but it was a good one to break them in with) Our main goal of the weekend was to give the straightgirls some gay culture lessons. Then we have an all-out marshmallow war with sling-shots. Clare and OtherClaire go to put gas in the car, so Sami and I dress up like freaks and throw a dance party at the end of the driveway, thus realizing we are soulmates. We were funny. It wasn't cold enough to go out on the ice (not that we didn't try anyway) so we wandered around in the woods. There was a lot of snow and stuff.

Then we got high.

"elizabeth I don't smoke, please no.... STOP SPREADING RUMORS!! this is a family blog and yes I don't want people to get the wrong impression about me. I didn't get quote high unquote. Ok!" -me

"and we totally believe you."-e

I don't know if anyone remembers "Sillyville" from their toddler days, but it's not nearly as technologically advanced as it seemed when I was 5. It had a budget of $12. But in my heightened state of awareness I uncovered the most amazing political metaphors ever, thereby proving my genius. (note: I just spelled genius wrong twice.) OtherClaire freaked out and we learned she's just an attention whore. Lame. She went to bed. Clare and I passed out and I woke up at 3am with Clare's face 2 inches from mine going "letsgotobed."

Monday: Long, slightly awkward drive home. No tranny date. Yet.

Ok so that was the longest quick-recap ever, but I'm positive you wanted to know everything. Back to Clare for your regularly scheduled bloggish type thing.

Thanks guestbian elizabeth. I love you and I can't wait for our next adventure. I'm thinking my other lesbo bestie Laura M will write soon. Look forward to that peoples.

"but mine is still better, no offense Laura M." -e

You Know You're Gay When....

You're excited to get the new Victoria's Secrets magazine, but don't really care about the sales.

You have a crush on your best friend. Cause friendship is just a form of foreplay.

You wear your brother's jeans and borrow your dad's ties.

Your ideal date includes fixing a flat tire and changing the oil. (no sexual innuendo intended)

You played college softball. (M dont' be mad)

After a bad breakup with your girlfriend, you consider dating men and all your friends tell you to stop taking crazy pills. Cause you're really gay.

Sunday nights are exclusively reserved for the L-word.

You got really excited about Cashier Mafia and proud that network television finally has a lezzie.

You own an Ani Difranco poster.

"I remember where we were standing. I remember how it felt two little girls growing out of their training bras. This little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws. Two girls together"

Where have all the hot girls gone

OK L WORLD Writers! People have been giving you a lot of crap lately for all the dumb ass shit you've been doing. Plugs of our chart, turning Alice into a lame ass, the most terrible theme song, not killing off jenny yet!

But I just want to know one thing... Where have all the hot girls gone? So many wonderful women have left the show. I miss them so much. I just wanna see them again.. please!!!

Top 5 Ladies Who Should Come back.

5. Lara- Lets get lara to become Jenny's personal chef. And then poison her... accidentally? for real ? It doesn't matter. It would make the show 100% times happier. More lesbian cooks, less lesbian turd.

4. Paige- Put Paige on trial Dammit! She would be really sexy convicted arsonist. I foresee a plot line with Paige in jail, falling in love with her cellmate while doing a puzzle. But then one night Shane will show up to bail her out of jail. Cause Shane will finally realize how sexy Paige is. Then they live happily ever after.

3. Helena - she just left the show, but i miss her already! You can't just have a passionate kiss with Shane and leave! I think there is a real romance that needs to be explored here. Shane and Helena? maybe possibly? Either way not having Helena around is going to make the show a lot less British.

2. CARMEN DE LA PICA MORALES

PLEASE!

1. DANA FAIRBANKS-Each morning I wake up, look at my Dana shrine, hold my Dana sized body pillow close and pray to the L-word producers that Dana's ghost will come back again. Dead Dana was on the show for a hot second, telling Alice to stop being an idiot. OOOHhhhh amazing!!! Most every lesbian in America died a little inside. We turned to each other and thought of better times. When Dana played tennis, came out to her parents, cheated on Alice. It was all so wonderful. Dana we miss you! And I have a solution: Desperate Housewives. That's right: lets get Dana to narrate the L-word, just like Mary Alice Young. But it will be still be Dana. She can be a little bitter but mostly she's be perfect.

Lesbian Fashion Is Not An Oxymoron

New Lesbian Clothing Trends 2008
what's hot? who's gay?

The Vintage Fatigue Hat, Rimmed Hats, Baseball Worn Backwards, Bean Hats- They are all one in the same. If you see a girl in a hat, she probably gay, bi, bi curious, trans or at least an alie. Hat's keep your head warm but they can do so much more. Yeah that's rights Gay's have hats, straight women you can have over sized purses.

The Vest- Rule of thumb the bulkier the better. I'm a fashion victim of the vest. I love it to death and into the grave. But lucky for me, a lot of other homo's have been picking up on this trend. So when I go to lesbian friendly community events, I'm not the only one wearing the hoodie, boy pants and vest combo. It makes me happy besides the word 'vest' has 4 letters in it, so does lezz.


Volcom anything! This I hope requires no explanation.


Ties- A thin black tie with casual top is so hot right now. "I see a lady in a tie with ripped jeans an old gray t-shirt she probs took as a token from her last hetero relationship and it screams lesbian." Says fellow lesbian magazine mogul. I still haven't completely learned how to tie a tie on my own so I'll save this look for the fall.


Power Suits- I am woman, I have power and money and success. I might be over bearing and crazy and just ruined my relationship with my deaf girlfriend. I might have a stick up my you know. And be an art snob. Hint hint BETTE! Yeah I'm gay. Yeah I'm hot. Yeah I'm wearing a power suit!



Leather wrist bands- The leather wrist band is a really understated fashion item. It goes back to primitive times. When people only wore leaves and twigs. It's "just in case..."

Flannel and Plaid- I didn't think it was making a come back since Roseanne but then... this photo. Ok so I guess some people do wear flannel and not just to bed. The few select people who can pull it off, congrats. But for the rest of us, I'm content wearing my highly flammable clothing in bed, as a I sleep, after leaving some candles burning, in a log cabin.



WIFE BEATERS!!!- I love wife beaters like so much. No silly not like a man who like beats his wife. oh god no. But you know like the shirt like. But lets be real for a sec. I really do love them. Which is great cause most other lesbians do to. If I could enforce a dress code, it would be all wife beaters all the time, no exceptions! I almost own every color wife beater fruit of the loom carries, but I'd consider expanding. If I could find a good green colored wife beater, my wardrobe would be complete.


Socks- Well socks are cool no matter what! Everyone likes socks.


Chain Wallets- These are not to be understated in their importance. They offer a little bit of hip-hop bee bop. (yes you did just read that) I have a deep confession to make that I would love to see Ellen DeGeneres come on her show one day wearing what she normally does and looking so adorable....but with a chain wallet. Maybe I'll write to her on her show, and she'll do it! Yeah great idea. But i digress



Don't forget accessories: body piercings, aviator sunglasses, short hair, dread locks, tattoos, black nail polish, a wallet which hold everything a normal size purse would, dog tag, board shorts, black ninja belt, bandannas, boy jeans, converse, army t-shirts, fishnets, and high heal shoes.

Check It Out The New York Times Speaks On Gay Fashion

Innappropriate Laughs

Some jokes you've heard, other you haven't. I take no credit for any of these jokes, but i do tell them quite well. They're great for parties, baptisms and especially in the intro of a eulogy (or a ugoogoolie) I've also included a few suggestions to exaggerate the jokes!

-How did Helen Keller drive? With one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the road. (include a cymbal sound)

-How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them! (pretend to throw a baseball)



-A Black man and a Hispanic man were in a car together, who was driving? (shrug shoulder and look really confused) A POLICE OFFICER (laugh hysterically in hopes no one realizes how offensive this joke is!)



- So my Jewish mother received a telegram that said "Start worrying, details to follow" (this joke is not only applicable to Jewish mothers, but also most moms and even a lot of dads. Test the field)

- What do two lesbians bring with them on a second date? A U-haul. (most gays know this joke but follow it up with a less commonly known joke)

-What do two gaymen bring with them on a second date? (look really confused) What second date?

what you thought i didn't know what a ugoogolie was?



Ugoogolie

The World Is To Small

(I've changed the names and places to protect the innocent, and those not so innocent!)
Yeah that's right I said it!! There might be some 6,779,007,739 people on earth, 303,301,503 people in the US and 1,194,156 people in Oakland County. But wow sometimes the earth just feels so small!




For Example:
My friend's xgf slash kinda back together gf, tried to set me up the other night. With who? My xgf's new gf's xgf. Yeah Breathe. So for a second time cause that was a lot of g's and x's. But that wasn't what I had in mind. So instead, I'm suppose to meet this girls roommate! Ohhh someone please hand me a phone book. This just makes me wonder where all the secret underground lesbians live?

How about the time I went on a trip with a ski team (not with my own school) and stayed in a hotel room with my brother's best friend. Yeah a little awkward right?

Or when I was vacationing in the Badlands and saw my neighbors. Come On. Not even the friendly, oh so happy to see you can I borrow a cup of flour let me water your plants someone is breaking into your house I'll call the cops- neighbors. They are more like the crazy please don't invite us to dinner and make me eat your nasty food how are your kids really that strange- neighbors. Did I mention it was in the Badlands, that's in South Dakota. Just a little ways from my home town! NO

How about I go to be a camp counselor this summer, who is also a camp counselor? A girl I was in marching band with in high school. There are hundreds of other camps across the country and yet we manage to end up both here!

There are countless times I've met someone, or seen someone in what would seem the most random place. When I think about the mass number of people I know slash have known slash have yet to know, it still amazes me the interconnections that link us together. Even if we want to escape and say, I don't know, go to South Dakota or Blue Mountain or BFE for a nice vacation, connections exist. Yeah maybe I'm a little Alice Pieszecki (l word people come on). But it scares me sometimes. As long as we continue to live, these ties are made and broken, allowing the web of society to continue to change. Each individual creating their own life lines. Living within this web allows for individual boundaries and restraints, keeping even the most reclusive person on the line. But what we do with these connections is up us.

Yeah Liesha Hailey. She plays Alice Pieszecki and oooo do I want my hair to look like hers does. So I guess I have to stop cutting it right? That's my new years resolution b.t.w. to grow my hair back out. That would be the cat's pajamas. So for all of us here at BlueHeeren "You stay classy, San Diego."

I Heart Tx

Top 5 Text Messages I've received!

#5 Imn fucaking drunl.

#4 I just played for this guy and he said "no wonder girls like you so much. I was noticing your hand and finger movement." all up in front of my dad

#3 I think your mom and I would get along quite well

#2 Merry arbitary placement of christs birth!! Christ awareness day!

#1 I like challenging women