Disclaimer and Chpt 4

Disclaimer:
I have been receiving a lot of criticisms over the post series that I began about my coming out affair with Annie (if I may be so bold as to use the lesbian term). Yeah I'm being bold I guess. I want to make it clear if anyone has found themselves offended by what I'm writing I deeply apologize. For readers who are confused please see the comments left on Chpt 3. If you are in any way offended by what I'm writing I have several suggestions;

1. Don't read my blog. There are much more offensive things on the Internet that you might consider viewing.

2. Ignore my spelling mistakes. I am actually dyslexic. I have been diagnosed by a doctor, have a medical card which states so and have been receiving continual accommodations through my schooling including private tutoring. So hey fucktards my spelling and grammar might not be perfect,I'm trying, I use spell check but I also don't have a professional editor. This is armature writing!!!! BE WARE; Read at Your Own Risk.

3. Finally, if you can't restrain yourself from reading my blog and just can't get over my thousands of grammatical errors then GFY. Sorry I love the Internet and all it has to offer. I'm not going to be discouraged. Just be glad I'm not considering turning it into a book.

I would also like it to be known that Annie, who I so commonly refer to has on multiple occasions vigorously supported the work that I'm doing here. She supports me 100%. The story will mainly be about me and her with only infrequent references to other people who were at the camp.

And so without further delay:

Chpt 4 One Hoe Down

I like a good hoe down like the next girl and I've been to my fair share of square dances but this particular square dance would be one remembered not because of the caller, the great country music or the cute country boys. This square dance would stick in my mind as the turning point whenever thing I had know, the stability in my life would begin to unravel. The days following the square dance I would begin to question everything in my life that was good and stable. It was the night Annie told me she was gay.

The build up to this event was short but very important. I had just learned only several days before that Annie had just gotten out of a serious relationship. She only mentioned her breakup briefly and like all sneaky lesbians she did not mention the gender of the person she had broken up with, so naturally I assume (in my ever so straight mind frame) that she had broken up with her boyfriend. The facts were they had been together for two-ish years, the break up was a long time coming but was facilitated by Annie leaving for camp and she was still obviously in some pain but happy to get away from the drama.

The idea of Annie dating a boy for two years just didn't settle right in my stomach for some stranger reason. (Perhaps it was foreshadowing to the coming romance.) I just couldn't imagine what kind of man Annie would date. Certainly not a jock cause she was to unconventional for a Tennessee football player. She wouldn't date a band geek cause she would have been bored, nor a genius brainyak, not a gamer, an artist or even a deadbeat drop out junkie. There was something just really really wrong the idea of Annie having been in a two year relationship with a boy. It's hard to describe it any other way but it was just a gut feeling I had.

This feeling was justified when, sitting on a bail of hay, watching the other counselors whir around, all of us with cowboy hats on, and with a stick of hay in my mouth did Annie lean into me and say, "I'm gay". It was a simple statement but I know her heart must have been pounding. It's the most nerve racking experience to tell someone regardless of if it's a stranger or your mom that you're gay. I looked straight at her, paused and said "oh, that's cool"
OMG I KNOW!!!! Probably the lamest response possible. It makes me cringe. And I though I don't remember exactly, I most likely followed it up with something like "my roommate is gay." I was trying to show support without being overly excited and enthusiastic. But wow what a stupid response. My actions and words later would clarify my real feelings so I'm not sweating it : )

I felt honored that Annie had to told me and only me that she was gay. She trusted me. It wasn't for many weeks that other counselors began to find out that she was gay. Annie may correct me but I do believe she had felt the need to tell someone and get the burden off her chest.

We sat on the barrel of hay for a while longer, watching the dancers. When I did finally join in, I didn't concentrate on the steps, the music or my partner. I was distracted by Annie. For the first time I was allowing myself to acknowledge the feelings that were coming over me. When I looked at Annie, I no longer looked at her as a friend, I began to feel something more. Though only in its infancy I knew that my relationship with Annie was special and like nothing I had experienced before.

chpt 3

Chapter 2
Week one... no kids just counselor.

The first week of camp was one of camper-free bliss. The counselors divided their time between training, team building exercises, getting to know you games, learning how to handle conflicts and preparing the camp grounds. There were nearly 200 counselors and staff working in four camps and it was easy to get lost in the crowd. It was overwhelming and exciting, with a diverse staff. For some this was their twentieth year returning and they knew the camp from having spent countless hours there. But I was not alone as a newcomer and finding a nitch of friends to felt comfortable with was key to surviving this week of training hell. And I found mine, I was one of five girls whose group dynamics as the summer progressed would change dramatically. As our true personality emerged we would break off into sub cliche' and find new friends. But for the time being, have a little group of friends among all those strangers was a comfort.

Initially I was impressed by each one of these girls. We were each unique, having lived very different lives but fit together in an easy, natural way. Amie with her quite nature, kind eyes and brilliance. Not only did we share the same job, but as we would learn many other interests and common values. I felt safe in her company. Surrounded by so many strangers, it was a comfort to be near someone who I felt connected to in an intangible way.

Sara grew up just minutes from where I lived and we shared a common upbringing. Though her life had been rough, she knew how to have fun... most of the time getting herself into trouble. She lived her life hard and strong and like myself, with no distinct purpose. I related to her depressive and manic tendencies, self destructive humor and no regrets party rule. Later in the summer I would wish longingly for her energetic personality. Her time at camp was cut short.

Annie was funny, kept me smiling all the time. She was responsible as a former-camper-turned counselor. Annie knew the ropes and had familiarity with the camp the rest of us lacked. She always joked self consciously about being home schooled and being a tomboy. Though she was not totally comfortable being gay at camp she was comfortable expressing her masculine side. It should have seemed obvious that she was gay, but unless you're looking for it, those types of characteristics can go unnoticed. It was not until the night she told her she was gay that the pieces of her personality fell into place.

I'm unsure of how I was viewed by the others but that didn't really matter much then and matters even less now. Aside from the occasional e-mail I have no contact with them. Their lives as I know it have come to a stand still. They are frozen in my memory, a snap shot of each taken from my narrow view.

Chpt 2

Chapter 2 Destiny and Fate?

I knew I needed a summer job and my ideal summer job was one that required me to spend a lot of time outside, having fun and of coarse making money. But I never really thought that job existed. Who would pay someone to have fun? However I was lucky enough to find such a job... as a camp counselor. Like I explained in my interview with the camp director, I loved canoing, kids and being outdoors. Most of my interview was a total lie. In fact I hated canoing and knew very little about it. I'd gone many times as a kid with my family and found it frustrating and boring. Usually our family canoe trips ended in me sitting, bored and upset in the middle of the canoe while my parents pulled my dead weight. I loved kayaking though and from the job description I though I'd be able to do plenty of that as well. I figured that I would suck it up and just do canoing cause that seemed like it was a guaranteed position. Now I'm what one might consider a canoing fanatic! I love canoing. I'm capable at both strokes J and C stroke.

The day I found out I had officially gotten the job as a canoe instructor/camp counselor/ swim dock lifeguard, I was thrilled and promptly began to research canoing on the internet. I went to various websites, many of which explained the theory of canoing and stroke techniques. I printed off charts and iinstructional sheets. Silly right? Absolutely. To learn to canoe properly you need to do it, hear the water splash on the canoe, the current(weak or strong) beneath the hull and the smooth paddle in your hand. The smell of the lake and a cumbersome life jacket on.

I would later throw away those charts and picture print outs, opting for the real thing. But I knew I knew nothing about canoing, so the internet seemed like the best place to start.

Like all big changes, the adventure to camp was one filled with anxiety and excitement. Because I would be working at the swim dock and on the lake at the canoe dock, I needed extra training as a life guard, which I didn't have. So I arrived at camp four days early to receive lifeguard and CPR training along with a dozen other counselors. The training was a strange time, friendships formed fast, but just as quickly dissolved. There were a dozen or so complete strangers, all in early adulthood, from very different places with very different personalities. There was a sorority girl, a Scottish bitch, a party girl from my home state, two awkward Germans, an Australian hunk, a southern belle and me, slightly awkward outstanding swimmer but also shy.

We spent two and a half days learning how to rescue the unconscious, the conscious, children, people who fight back and even mothers with children from drowning. The training itself was incredibly unexciting. The end result.... I'm a lifeguard and Annie had made her first impression on me. I am by nature, in the most horrible way, very vain. I really hate that about myself, but I'm being honest here so whateves. Annie has a fantastic body. Absolutely amazing!!! She might dispute that but I wouldn't, and neither would you if you saw her. We spend three days, in the pool and she wore nothing but a tiny little bikini. Like the song: she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie... yeah you know how it goes.

I'm not trying to be crude or vulgar, but my honest first impression of her was to be envious and a little bit turned on. Annie was slightly aloof, not just physically tall but there was a distant look in her big blue eyes. She sent out this vibe that was intimidating, mysterious and at times she seemed out of touch. Annie didn't come off as dumb, like many of the other camp counselor I met. On the contrary she is incredibly intelligent. It was if there was a distraction which no one else saw. I have come to love that look of hers. That look of contemplation, knowing that when she does finally speak, she will say something wonderful. Something spot on, that makes me realize she was paying attention the whole time.

Annie Who I Love.

"In my blog, I can turn friendship into meta-friendship, remind people of their importance or their resonance simply by positioning them in my narrative. I've said things in my blog, just like I'm saying things here, that I could maybe never say to Haviland's face, because that kind of thing scares me, emotions--the raw kind--that you say to people...I like words on pages, I like a moment to decide, and then, I like a record of it. "

This probably makes no sense to you at all, but give it time and it will become more clear. Just read on:

To Annie who has brought me here and won't let me leave. To Annie who I love and will always love, even if she leaves me in a canoe alone.

Introduction:

My undying devotion to her began when we worked at a summer camp in nowhere michigan. Those nine and half weeks spent with her are weeks which I never want to forget. So while the memories are fresh but the feelings less raw I will start to explain how those nine weeks changed me forever.

Annie is someone who unlike the other relationships in my life, I will never try to explain or justify, not to myself and most def not to any other fucktard. If you take me into your life, you must take her and all that she means to me. I will never be ashamed or embarrassed of her. To do so would be to destroy the most beautiful part of myself, the part she helped create.

No, Annie is not my girlfriend, we don't meet for lunch, talk on the phone or even send e-mails anymore. But once for a very few months this summer, I saw her everyday. Annie was everything there was to see and nothing was left of me. I would wake up in the morning, get dressed alone. I would fall asleep in my bed alone. But every moment in between those times was devoted to us, just Annie and I. We lived each other’s lives completely intertwined. There was no disconnect between us.

It was Annie who taught me that saying things can be really hard, so I should just write them down. This simple skill she taught me has changed me forever. And now as I begin this quest to document all that has changed in the last six months of my life I must thank her.

Chapter 1: The Day I Almost Died Inside.

I knew exactly where it was, in her backpack! That fucking cunt ass. I hate her. “Annie I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU” This screams in my head, louder and louder until I can’t hear a thing. My anger had overpowered me, my heart was pounding and felt as if it would jump out of my chest at any moment. I pressed my hands to my eyes, the tears pouring down my face. The ugly sobs came slipping out of my mouth making me feel embarrassed and thankful no one was around. My head was throbbing and my feet were racing toward her cabin.

I didn’t want an explanation from her, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt her so bad, so she could experience this pain too. I wanted to see her cry and know that I had done that to her. Because she was causing me more pain then I ever thought was possible.

In retrospect, I was just angry and foolish. I let my rage get the best of me and threw a temper tantrum which destroyed one of the most beautiful thing I had ever made. I don’t regret it now, because I’ve learned about the powerful rage which I can posses. Learned what can cause it and maybe I’ve started to learn how to prevent it. But my actions were one of passion and I do wish I could properly apologize to Annie.

Throughout our summer together Annie and I had kept a notebook. A purple bindernotebook thingy which had “top secret” written on the first page to guard against intruders. It was inconspicuous on the outside but the pages inside were filled with our deepest confessions. Annie and I use to write back and forth in that notebook. Love notes, poems, revolutions, jokes, pictures…. anything at all. It was a dialogue with each other sometimes, and other times it was just a good place to vent. I might write about my fears and she might write about her last girlfriend Anna. We loved that notebook and everything that it represented. It meant that we were each other’s #1 person and had something secret and special. A little gift we passed back and forth everyday. Each time I gave Annie the notebook I was telling her that I loved her and needed her. And each time she gave the notebook back, she was telling me the same thing. This notebook was more then just words on a page, it was a display of love and devotion. Had either one of us been more conventional, the notebook would have been filled with love notes. Or more likely it wouldn’t have been a notebook at all, perhaps mix tapes filled with mushy love songs. But neither of us would have cared as much for that. We didn’t want conventional displays of love, cause our love is anything but.

On that day I was filled with rage, and destroyed our notebook. I tore in into little pieces of paper and left them on her bed, for her to discover. I had hoped she cried when she saw all the broken pieces of our love. But now thinking about it, I begin to cry. I will never ask her for forgiveness now even though I know she’d give it to me. I don’t want forgiveness, I want our notebook back.

Writing Block

Starting this blog off just isn't working to well. I've deleted and rewritten the first sentence like twenty times, and it still seems like poopy doo. Maybe my brain isn't working cause it's so early (really its only 10:28). I have a lot of thoughts in my head but can't seem to make complete sentences, or at least in a fashion that would useful. They're just swimming around in my brain or something. I'm trying make this fleeting feeling into something concrete and tangible. Well maybe it's just writers block? haha probs I just defined writers block exactly.

So to something realllly important: The l word last night was amazing! ps if you don't watch the L word you should start! That's all I'm gonna say. L word= happiness.

I'm at my internship, doing absolutely nothing, I read over a case file when I first got in. But honestly that took me all of 20 minutes and now I'm left with another hour to sit around and wait to shadow a home visit. Home visit you ask? Basically we go to this foster home and snoop around, make sure the kid is happy, healthy and the foster parents are normal, law abiding, nurturing people. I'm actually kinda excited. This will be my second home visit! My first one was with the other closeted office lesbian. Well I think she's a lesbian anyway... she's 30 something, unmarried, use to have a construction business with her brother, dresses like a gay girl and probs she watches the L word (but I've yet to drop the hint) She made some joke about me smoking cloves which I didn't really understand but I think there was a gay reference in there. Anyway I'm just gonna wear an HRC t-shirt on casual friday to see her reaction.

Actually we don't even have a casual friday (booo) I might start circulating a petition in the office for casual fridays. That sounds like an excellent idea!!! But until then maybe I'm just gonna try to drop other subtle hints. I need someway to amuse myself and frankly trying to get Patty to out herself to me would be fucking sweet as hell!

I wanna buy you a drink

It's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to!
Thanks right. Finally i'm 21 and ooooooo I'm completely speechless. It's not so much the drinking that exciting, its being able to go up to the bar and buy a drink, not having a giant x on my hand for five days afterward . Pregaming seems much less necessary. I can go to the liquor store and buy alcohol for myself!
So this was tuesday night: very chill, low key at my favorite wayne state bar. we played a game of thorns and roses. Ok to explain the game: its for a big group of friends. everyone says the low point (thorn) and the high point (rose) of their day. My rose was that that it was my birthday duh and there is 0% chance I will ever get an MIP! HORRAY i made it all the way through being a minor without and MIP. That's equivalent to making it all the way through high school and not getting pregnant. Or not getting into a car crash during the first year of having a license. My thorn was that it snowed like crazy! Probs was best with my favorite night with my coaches corner sisters.
Last night I went out with my homorific boyfriends! There was dancing... lots and lots of dancing. Chocolate and champaign at midnight. A gymnastic drag show. I've never seen someone do a back flip in 4 inch high heals, it was impressive. Pole dancers. twiggy only underwear wearing gay boys. So naturally.. my night was a huge success.
I now have the best pick up line ever: Can I buy you a drink? What's your drink? And horray I did buy a girl a drink!!!
As my dad said: I have the rest of my life to be over 21. So those 21 shots will come in time, but not all at once. I didn't want to be 'that girl'

Try It Once or Die

Here are some of my favorite things I've done only onces:

• Eating bleached cows stomach (not so much my favorite but still a top contendor and it sounds shocking)
• Getting a manacure
• Growing Dreadlocks
• Firing a gun
• Dumpster diving
• Getting pulled over by the cops for speeding, but not getting a ticket
• Making sushi at home
• Having my brother pierce my ears
• Attempting to rap in public

I'd like to reach out into the deep deep abyss and ask anyone out in cyber space what they've done only onces. Please oh please no say ski diving or bungy jumping or anything of that nature. That's boooooring and any shit head with half a brain or who has killed half their brain or has the desire to kill half of their brain (myself included) would do that.
Speaking of brain: This is kinda funny, mostly offensive, sexist and very incorrect.

The Male Brain

As I've learned in my psychology of women class: society and the media encourage the idea that there are more significant differences between men and women then actually exist. We are more similar then different. I think I have a lot of male brain structures... like the lame excuses gland and the tv and remote control addiction center.

FUN FACT OF THE BLOG: Every year 11,000 American injury themselves trying out new and bizare sexual activities. Don't be a victim!

Ala Prima

The Small Objects In My Life

A Key

A Can


Red Lighter

3way

Through a series of accidental clicks which led to mildly interesting web pages, followed by some casual scanning, and more links more webpages I ultimately ended up discovering this strange webisode show 3way. There are only 2 full episodes and I should mention that these episodes are about 8 minutes. The premiere party video is three times as long as their first episode. and probs had a bigger budget. It has low quality film, non existent budget and the set seems to constructed out of refrigerator boxes which were painted and made to look like a backdrop . The acting isn't great, well it's more then just not great, it's bad!
But for some reason I'm really really attracted to this show! I'm not big on commitment, I've shocked myself with the amount of commitment I've shown to my blog. So the quick episodes are perfect for a busy on the run gal like myself. (hairflip)But aside from just being short, it's witty and funny. Both in a gooffy kinda gross, little kid humor way, but also in a more sophisticated, it feels like my life kinda way. But watch this little "confessions" video for yourself. And if you likey watch the first two episodes.

Part of me thinks I'm enjoy this webisode cause it's about a hot lesbians, her first love, new girlfriend and best friend. It reflects my future life with my life long best friend nikki. (shout out nikki) TV has become so perfect, the acting, make-up, jokes, hair, wardrobe... shit even the ugly girls on tv are beautiful. Have you seen ugly bettie without her glasses, or nerdy dork julie stiles in 1o things I hate about you. The average sitcom slash drama aims to portray people's lives through a rose colored lens. That's why TV can be so misleading I think. It gives people the idea that their life is less than, because they don't wear prada shoes, have beautiful friends, go to amazing parties and still manage to have a powerful career. Even the really fucked up tv characters are charming, or rich or beautiful. In a society that is obsessed with beautiful women and rich men, it's no surprise that our entertainment reflects it. But I've realized after seeing this low budget, webisode that television or webvision which doesn't hide the flaws is a better reflection of our real lives. I'm a sucker for the nbc, abc, showtime, usa high powered dramas just like the next guy. But maybe for once, I'll try associating my life with a more realistic one. A show that isn't perfect, not everyone is beautiful, nor likable, nor rich. A show were the line delivery is flawed and subtext is off. One where a 3way is always possible.

Warning: Angry person writing

Warning: Fouled Language, Sarcasm, Mean Jokes, Personal Insults, Excessive Acronym Use & Bitching To Follow

nataliedee.com

Today I just wanna tell everyone to f* off! GFY Good For You! I'm so glad everyone has someone. Everyone has found the love of their life at the age of 20, 17, 22, 21. Well FYI NO you haven't. I might sound like a Bitch but someone has to tell the truth.

• Friends don't let friends drive drunk

• Friends don't let friends ditch their friends, lives, personal hygiene and abandon commitments, just cause friends think they've found "the one".

P.S. Lesbians who move in together after being together for less then 2 months ARE STUPID. Yeah you're stupid. I said it. U-haul all you want but when you break up, cry every night, feel alone and wanna kill yourself. I WON'T CARE. I'll just say I-told-you-so!

Again today sucked.... a lot. And a quick shout out to my friend who's apartment building was on fire last night. YIKES!!! (but Natalie Dee Cartoons make me happy so here is another for you)

And I'm back with only a slight headache. Tomorrow I'm suppose to go see my therapist. Why am I in therapy you might ask? Clare you seem so level headed, motivated, you don't have a substance abuse problem. Wanna know why I'm in therapy, I went, of my own dam free will.

REALLY? After only three sessions I'm regretting it already. This guy is soooooo stupid, it makes me cry. No seriously most people go to therapy and cry about how their mom never loved them, their father was distant during their childhood, and now they can't stop drinking. I'm not like that. When I cry, it's cause my therapist is making me cry out of pity. He speaks so slow and I'm convinced it's because he's actually a 5-year-old boy trapped in an adults body. This five year old boy likes to read, play with toy cars and make poo-poos in the toilet.

I thought to be a therapist you had to be smart. I don’t even think he has an IQ. And for all those jackasses who are thinking to themselves “he has to have an IQ, you should be saying he has a low IQ” I KNOW THAT! It’s a joke. Most of what I write is a joke. Cause I’m a sarcastic mofo.

Sarcasm has made my life a happier place. But the plot twist on cashmere mafia doesn't. A pregnant lesbian and a bi straight girl who wears triangle earings. They might be staying together. Who knows! Find out next week.

Lesbian Best Friends

NOTE: this is a post which i've been working on and off with for about two weeks. It's turned into one of the most ironic post yet. Because as I've proven through my own actions, i'm a total hypocrite. So take this post with a grain of salt. What I write is true, but I don't always follow my own advise.

There is a fine line in any relationship between being intimate friends and being intimate romantic friends. These lines are easier to see when by design, the friends wouldn't be attracted to eachother. For example, a two hetero girl friends or two hetero guy friends. But it's not always so easy. Lately I've been getting a lot of questioning about my close lesbo friends and our "possible romantic relationship" which plain and simply doesn't exist.

So where is the line between two gay lesbian girlfriends and two lesbian GIRLFRIENDS?

Here are some important guide lines to follow, the do's and dont's to stay just friends!

Do- cuddle, spoon, sleep in the same bed, and have sleep overs!

Do- announce your love for each other in public, private, online, through tx and with little notes left on eachother's pillows.

Don't- kiss on the lips

Don't- make out in the bathroom of a club.

Do- go on trips together, family trips, business trips, shopping trips, road trips etc.... trips but don't trip up on these trips.

Do- model underwear and lingerie for each other (M!)

Don't- get really drunk and confess your desire to be together.
Don't- share a jail cell (Bette! Hellena!)

Do- make-out when your drunk and then acknowledge that ewww it was gross and no you don't have feelings for eachother. Even if she was a good kisser.

So that was the old post I was working on: but like I said before, a bit has changed and I'm not the best person for following my own advice. Yeah whateves. I'm happy being single and happy having friends. Like most.

New Job

So i have this new job! YEAH which i'm hoping will give me more time to blog. Cause there are really only two reasons I don't blog more:

1. there is absolutely nothing going on in my life at all!! or
2. I have way too much going on and don't have time to write any of it down.

Lately surprisingly it's been the latter. I know right, I'm shocked too!!!


So the job, (well it's not a job cause i make about 0$/hr, it's an internship) But totally worth it (I hope)! I'm trying to get myself excited for it. Anyway I hope they don't work me to hard and i have some spear time to blog slash read my emails slash keep up on the other 500 blogs i like to read. This internship seems like it's actually gonna be pretty amazingly awesome. I'm basically working in the child care system and there is going to be tons of top secret confidential stuff that happens that I can't talk about at all to anyone! mostly stuff like kids being abandoned, forced to do drugs and other horrific acts of bad parenting.
Lucky for me the worst parenting events i ever experienced were my mom not cooking dinner ever!!! Being forced to eat cereal for dinner (well i really loved that actually) and not getting a christmas tree for like eight years straight.



So this is going to be an eye-opening experience. And there will be a lot less of this in my life (see picture at right) And there will be a lot more responsible behavior instead but no promises.

ps My birthday is coming up betches!!!!!


Also once I get all of the events of the weekend straight in my head expect a long extensive blog. A lot occurred only some of which I remember slash understand. I'm working it out in my head before so I don't have some word vomit on my blog.

A Blue View

Girl In Blue

Oil, originally started as a portrait of my friend Leslie. But I had to put it aside for six months because it felt wrong. Picked it back up and it changed a lot. The face is lost and the body is encompassed in change.

Cloverfield Made Me Sick

Cloverfield was the best worst movie I've seen. Low budget, intresting plot, hot actors, all hand held cameras, good special effects and no eye transplants (unlike the other movie would could have seen). My besties nikki and I went today to the 3:30pm showing. It was a great movie that made me sick. It reminded me of homevideos my dad use to film. But instead of being filled with little kids, birthday cakes and pinyatas, there were sophisticated going away parties, aliens and skyscraper hopping. And unlike my six birthday party it needed a warning label.

Warning: Cloverfield. PG-13 Do not see if you are pregnant, nursing, have a history of high blood pressure, a weak stomach or just ate.

It was scary! Very scary! I screamed multiple times and left the theater having bitten all ten of my nails down to little nubs. When the movie ended, kinda abruptly I might add, nikki and i looked at each other. And we both felt really really nauseous. I had to go to the bathroom, take two tums and lie down.

I'm not exagerating even a little bit: the movie almost made me puke!


My favorite quotes from the movie:
"What is that?" "It's a terrible thing." "What is that?" "I don't know. Something different. Something also terrible."

Um terrible, how about. HOLLY FUCK IT'S A MONSTERALIEN which is destroying all of New York. A terrible thing is the understatement of the century. Terrible things are when you get a flat tire or the stomach flue. Being killed by a freak monster that destroys all of manhatten. That's a bit more then a terrible thing.


There were moments in the theater that I actually thought I was gonna die!

But I'd recommend it 100%

When I Need a Ride.

Last night I feel apart. And Fliec was the only person who was there to help me pick up the pieces.

Thursday was a day which was doomed from the start. It is after all Thursday, kinda shoved in there before Friday with no real purpose but to annoy and taught. As a college student I’ve grown to love Thursdays cause it’s the last day I have class, but also so removed from the upcoming week I feel completely dissolved of responsibilities.

But yesterday didn’t feel right from the beginning. Maybe cause I skipped my therapist appointment, had been spending too much time at home and got in a fight with my mom, or ate too much and then felt really sick. I don’t know? I had plans last night, but never heard from nikki. It worked out well because I didn’t really feel like making the drive to see her anyway. So when I got home the roomie and I each had a drink. It wasn’t a real drink, it was a DRINK!!! With at least 3 shots in it. I had mine with V8, hot sauce, pepper and celery. DELICICIOUS. There was nasty beer I had later in the night.

The drink was good, the night was not. In not so many words I lost it. I’d been holding onto my shit all day, but at the frat house we occasionally visit, I didn’t feel right. My roomie drove (which was a dumb move on my part). So I felt stranded there, and I needed to leave, go home and cry alone. Roomie was ‘a waste case’ So; I texted slash called all my close friends. But there was a storm watch, didn’t answer my call, she was in the library, she was getting to drunk to respond, she lives to far away etc…. And each of my strong hold friends fell through. They just couldn’t be there for me. But Fliec could. And all I said was “please come get me I need to go home”

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that ive hurt you. I really am”
“I’ll be home soon. I can give you a ride if you need one.”
“I’m getting of the freeway”
“Here”

And I left that notorious frat house to get into a much less notorious car. From beer pong to bright eyes.

Yeah, we haven’t talked in over a week, and during that time I haven’t cried much. How did she know that I really needed her. I needed someone to save me from the situation and Fliec was that person. She told me last night in the car that she’s terrible at keeping a date. Invite her to the movies, dinner, a funeral even and she will most likely cancel. She’s irresponsible and would seem flaky to others. That’s not really who she is. I understand why she cancels on people and disappears from her friends. For control. But when you really REALLY need someone, when I really REALLY needed her last night, she was there. Fliec was the only person who was there.

Not m, e, bean, fed, chaz, the pachota sisters, my big, jay w, even meg couldn’t do for me what she did.

We talked in the car, Fliec knows she’s stuck with me for life! She changed me, has left a mark on my heart which time won’t ever forget. Some people walk in and out of my life without changing me, but not her. She knows that too. Fliec told me about her life. It felt amazing. I wanted to stay there listen to bright eyes, looking at my fence, waiting to climb over it and hear her entire life story. But that couldn’t be and the call from her girlfriend reiterated that. She had other places to be, even with her wondering eye. I realize that we both desperately want to be in each other’s lives. We understand and appreciate each other without much explanation. That kind of love is hard to find, a love with no needed explanation. But until I can look at her and not want to fall into her arms, she’ll keep her distance and I’ll be forced to keep mine.

She said she loves me. I said I love her.

I didn’t kiss her. Made progress. Told her my deepest fears and then climbed the fence. Broke into my own apartment. And cried.

I cried for everything that she was. For how much she still cares. She was the only person who knew how to save me last night, and the only person who could.

One day I’ll save myself, maybe one day I’ll save her?