Singing My Way to the White House

I realize in a few weeks this post will be completely obsolete... but I've started living in the moment.

Here are some of my favorite political songs, all about our favorite presidential candidates.

"She use to smoke weed.. said she didn't like"

The Cheesiest Song for Obama

McCain Lacks Harmony

Chpt 9 The End is Near

I want to start by apologizing in advance for those of you who do continue to read this entire blog post. It may be confusing however I've rewritten, edited and pondered over it many times, but like most things in my life right now, something feels unfinished and improperly presented. What normally feels like a nice clean package complete with a card and bow, feels unfinished... but so are Annie and I.

The last several weeks I've been thinking about writing a lot! Really I have! I mull over sentence structures and clever metaphors which I should write down. But I've been anxious about how to write this blog. I want to make sure to convey my true feelings without stepping on anyone. Annie says she's an open book but I fear there are things I want to write which would be to hurtful and destructive. How do I describe the chaotic events that ended my 'coming out affair'? That's the issue at hand.

Chapter Nine: The End is Near

Each morning I wake up hoping that things will be different, the confusion and hazy fog surrounding the last 2 years of my life will have lifted and reveal a beautiful scape. In this fantasy my heart is filled with simple pleasures and I am loved. But each morning I wake up and for a split second I feel that potential within myself, until only moments later it slips away, lost between the sheets and my opening eye lids. I rise to continue with my life, a life that seems clustered and simultaneously desolate. This blog is a product of that confusion and mirrors quite wonderfully the last two weeks spent with Annie.

The last two weeks:

Annie and I didn't break up in the traditional sense, there was no exchanging of the things, no splitting up our friends, there wasn't even a 'let's try to make this work' effort. We simply left. She left first on a plane. I left by car a half day later. That was it. Annie was next to me one day and gone the next and we were both completely powerless. I'd like to say we ended on a good note, with kisses and kind parting words, maybe even a present, but the truth is we didn't. The last few weeks left at camp became chaotic and scary, so when Annie left we didn't say much. We didn't kiss, my bitterness and anger combined with sadness made our parting an uncomfortable scene.

But how our loving and healthy relationship turned so sour was complicated. There are things that happened which I still don't understand and I think honestly I'll never be able to completely explain what happened. But like I said in the beginning, I love Annie, I always will and she will always love me. I'm not afraid to lose her love. So this is the truth as I experienced it with no apologizes!

There was another girl, that's what happened. Annie had another friend who was rapidly becoming more then just a friend and invading into my relationship. The alone time I had grown accustom to was being invaded by this parasite who I couldn't destroy.

Sam (as I'll refer to her as) was everywhere, not just following Annie but leading too! Sam wasn't an attachment that Annie had grabbed, but I feared they were becoming something more. I was threatened, scared and felt like a wild animal trapped in a cage. The anger toward Annie, resentment toward Sam was building up inside of me and there was no shortage of fuel for the fire. Annie was less convincing in her declarations of love and devotion. She was pulling away from me and it was easy to see. The other counselors began to notice this as well and rumors began to fly.

What had been a very discrete, no-drama summer romance between Annie and I was escalating into a full out tabloid story. People were talking, to me, behind my back, about me and about Sam and Annie.

The facts weren't know for sure. But here is what I think happened:
Sam didn't know Annie and I had a history. But Sam was interested in pursuing something with Annie. I can't hold that against her, attractions are natural, she was entitled to her feelings.
Annie feared that my attachment and she was headed for relationship disaster. Annie loves me and wanted to spare me the pain that our separation would bring, so she preemptively jumped ship.
Where her actions right, were my reactions flawed? It's hard to say.
But now... nearly 14 months later, I'd like to say I'm ok with it all. I've made my peace with her last minute abandonment, what felt like betray. It wasn't betray, it was a desperate attempt to prevent someone you dearly love from being hurt. Like the mom who secretly replaces a dead pet to share her child the pain of death.
I'm no longer a child, but I do still fear death. I fear being alone, because when everyone else is gone, you're left with just yourself, your thoughts, actions and beliefs. And there is no clear answer for any of it. Just the hope that when that day comes, the haze is lifted a beautiful scape will be revealed.

Water and Oil

Somethings just don't mix, no matter how hard you try they will never congeal. Politics and work are two such thing. Ir-regardless of how diligently or sensitively you try to discuss it, politics is something that's best kept away from the work place. To exemplify my point let me tell you a short story about my co-worker slash friend Seth.

Seth is normally a great guy, we hang-out outside of work and he's half the reason I make it through most work days. He's a big old homo-loving, gay right supporting, straight, white republican which to me seems like a GIANT oxymoron (please note 'moron' is hidden within that word, just a coincidence) .

So Seth and I were AIM-ing today at work and here is what was said among other things.

Red Eagle: BTW ur democratic run house of representatives voted down the bailout proposal that could have otherwise saved our market from crashing and now we're all fucked. How can you vote a Democrat into the white house?

DelENDa: eh i don't care about that bailout proposal. It's a lot of money and we should take a moment to think it through besides... i want to be able to get married one day, i think people need to be treated equally first and foremost, then we can all worry about our money. but not until then, i believe in social equality not money, unlike the republicans who are too worried about their 20 houses to care about equality.

Red Eagle : um...no?

DelENDa ummm... kinda yeah

Red Eagle : if our economy goes under there will be no point to treating people equally

DelENDa: why? because respecting other human beings is sooo expensive

(is it obvious i'm p.o-ed at this point and I sense i'm talking to someone who is fundamentally different from myself aka a republican)
Red Eagle : the whole marriage thing isnt about respect it's about people being ignorant

Red Eagle : and if people dont have money they will be worried about that and other issues will be moved to the back burner

DelENDa: bush got us here in the first place so i don't understand how people think the republicans' plans are financially sound

Red Eagle : how did Bush get us here? the President has nothing to do with legislation being passed

DelENDa: but anyway you and i are just going to fight about it. so let's not please
(completely ignoring my suggestion...)

Red Eagle: people need to stop blaming the president

Red Eagle: it's congresses fault, congress passes the laws

(Mr. Ranting McRanterson)

Red Eagle: even Iraq, congress could vote anytime to stop giving money to Iraq but they don't

Red Eagle: they are the ones who have to approve military spending

Red Eagle: and congress is predominately democratic

(yeah he's still at it)

Red Eagle: and now, a bill that could preserve the economic stability of our country was voted down because too many representatives are worried about their re-election in 5 weeks
DelENDa: welll i'm soooo sorry. i'm voting for mccain anyway so don't worry about it ok?DelENDa: and only because palin is so hot!

Red Eagle: LOL

I would really like to say this was a one time occurrence. But OHHH NO!!! Prior to this Seth had managed to get into a screaming match with our BOSS across the offices. My boss was sitting in her chair in her office, Seth was at the front desk and I was squished in between at mine. I don't understand how in the hell Seth thought it would be a good idea to debate politics with someone who signs his pay check. Money is money, it doesn't change.... political affiliations aren't set in stone but arguing doesn't always lead to a resolution, in fact is might just lead to a pink slip. So please please, in the midst of this intense political climate I ask all my fellow employees to please leave the politics at home. Work is fucking hard enough as it is.

Thanks you very much!

Worst Non-Date

So this is a brief recap of the horrible non-date I had last night.

Background history- I met this girl (I'll call her Tam for now) at Soho many months ago. I don't remember much about our initial meeting because I was 1) Kinda drunk 2) distracted by Laura and the Karaoke singers and 3) she wasn't that memorable. What I do remember though was initially exchanging phone numbers and then later being horrified by all the red flags this girl was throwing out. She has just been dumped by her first gf and was still in the process of getting back on her feet. This is for me a huge deal breaker. So I in an effort to back peddle I did the reasonable thing and told her not to call me until she was over her x!

Now in MY mind, that's a clear indication that we would never speak again and in a 6 months I'd be cleaning out the contact list in my phone and her number would be deleted along with that kid i met at some party who claimed to hook me up with tickets to see Damien Rice but fell threw and the lab partner I had for my intro bio class freshman year. However to my surprise about two weeks ago she started texting me out of the blue. So I thought, what the hell why not text back. After all I gave her my number initially so there must have been some reason.

Eventually what transpired was plans to meet up at some point and go out for drinks.

But what actually happened was this:

The Lead Up

I met up with Oli at Soho, we shared a few drinks before the girl got ill and cut the night short to deal with her sickening state. I however decided to stay and had a wonderful conversation with Anthony (who is awesome ps) then tam texted me

11:12 Tam- how was your day

11:13 Me- it was ok.

11:13 Tam- what are was doing?

11:15 Me- At soho having a drink with a friend.

11:16 Tam- Oh hey I'll come up and see you
11:66 Me- (nothing: ignoring the text and brainstorming a nice way to say no)

11:17 Tam- I'll be there in like 20

This is the point when I started to get worried because mind you I've met this girl ones and made no indication that I wanted to see her that moment (did I?). But she felt like that moment was as good as any to pop on over. But I'm still feeling semi ok at this point if not a lot nervous.

The Arrival

She shows up and she was NOTHING like what I remember her being. She not as cute or funny or clever or interesting as she had seemed. Beer Goggles anyone?

(Baby Clare)

So then began the slow fall into the bottom-less pit that was this non-date. She doesn't go to school. Nor does she have a job, hasn't for months, isn't looking for one, doesn't have any money and her main goal is to get discovered dancing at a club. So unlike normal people who fill out resumes and go to job interviews in hopes of finding employment, she prefers to shake her ass and move her feet at various establishments. In my head I was thinking "Who are you?"

She told me she was training for the Olympics, she runs 20 miles a day. And I was pretty impressed cause there is no fucking way I could run that much. Until she told me she finished 7th in a 3 mile run at the Detroit zoo. The run was out of 1000 people but still 7th place at a local race is not exactly close to Olympic gold. Clearly the girl was delusional, I'm thinking.

I brought up music, a subject which I thought I'm relatively good at relating to. It's the one subject that I fall back on when conversation is running low because for the most part I've heard of a lot of bands and can at least appreciate other people's taste in music. But this girl managed to strike a very sharp chord (no pun intended). Not only does she have ridiculous taste in music, she had no substantial knowledge of other music genres. So that was killed.

She did however mentioned that she was learning to play the guitar, and I perked up a tiny bit when she said this. She had in fact 'just recorded a song she was working on'. Wow i thought, we do actually have something in common, we both like guitar, and it's a total turn on. But to my dismay she followed that up by saying and I quote "I need to take my guitar somewhere to have it tuned because I think it will sound better if I get it tuned"

STOP HOLD UP!!! WTF. There is no one on earth who legitimately can play the guitar (even at a beginning level) but doesn't know how to tune it! Stop the music, this date can't get any worse....but it does.

She mentions that she didn't drive to soho, instead she "jogged over". Well fuck it was almost 1 am and I felt bad, so I had to give her a ride home.
When she got out of the car I gave a big sigh of relief. There goes one less person who I know I'm not compatible with. I'm one more person closer to finding a soul mate/someone who I can be happy with.

Being single/dating can be really hard and scary. I feel like giving up and throwing the towel a lot of times, but I think all this hard shit, the bad dates and failed relationships, the drunken mistakes and moments of weakness are not in vain. Cause when it does happen, when the ja-ja-joo occurs and I meet someone who realizes how ridiculous not knowing how to tune a guitar is, I'll fight like hell to not let it go.

A poem

Who are we?

By Clare Wilson

There is one question I do not ask.
The answer I have yet to know.
Though knowing will be such freedom
For when I know, I have found myself.
Myself with you.
And you, yes you will have found it too.
The child in your heart will be free and exposed.
I will let go of all that holds me back
Like many months ago before we were sick.
And walk into what has become our fate.
It may be David and Mr. Hamrick
Or just you and I
But either way, with that knowledge
We both shall be lovers again.

You say I’d have your child.
The children of your dreams.
Our children dance like little bubbles
They flout in our minds and collide with our conscious.
They once were alive, with a future and a heart beat.
But they have disappeared, living only in our minds.
The bubbles are precious and broken easily during the day.
They live only when my day is long, during dark times
When I can’t hold my head up and I let my heart speak.
Then the bubbles and all their dreams enter into my mind
They whisper in my ear, to my brain.
They say we both shall be lovers again.

We’ve danced in your kitchen and in my cabin.
It was the dance of lovers, birds and queens.
Now we dance alone together in homes
It’s the dance of crooks, lawyers and machines.
This dance seems never to end,
The music never stops.
The tangled tango of the hearts
and minds
and people who lay between us.
Our feet move with the beat.
The music takes our bodies to a place where
Eventually we both shall be lovers again.

The way to find myself is somewhere in your eyes.
This you know and it is a responsibility you don’t wish to bare,
But for every heavy load you Carrie there is a Big.
For each pain there comes a cure.
A heart must be hurt before it finds its home.
If dreams are like movies
Then memories are films about ghosts.
So when I wake from sleep
My eyes are open but body numb
For I’ve just seen your ghost.
And hope for just one thing.
That we shall be lovers again.

Once I drew a picture on a scrap
Plain pen on a paper plate flowing from my finger tips.
You called it art but I called it crap.
This beauty we created in each day is lost.
A thousand little kisses all over my body
These kisses each, a kiss of art.
Now when Elliot plays a sad song
I look at the sky and you ask:
Why are you staring into outer space, crying?
Just because you came across it, and lost it
Because everything reminds me of her.
Of the lovers we shall be again.

And the question still lays there in our minds.
Who shall we be?

Chpt 8 continued....

It had finally happened. After anticipating, being anxious and self conscious, Annie and I were finally having the type of relationship I had dreamed about. It was simple, a deep connection which words can't justify. In this arena I think very little needs to be said. When you fall for someone, the individual qualities and reasons don't stand out. Our personalities melted together, effecting one another in a continuous circle to the point where I lost track of where I ended and Annie began. We became inseparable, undefinable as two individuals.

Our love was strengthened by text messages late at night, pranks made at the dinning hall, secret looks and other small acts which we hoped would go unnoticed. Naturally they didn't go completely unnoticed and there was a constant anxiety that we would be discovered. I feared what would happen if my fellow counselors found out. How they might view me and what I would say. Keeping the whole thing in perspective became difficult, it wasn't just about being gay but that didn't help. Being a couple at camp was something which people tried to keep secret. There were many a short-lived love affairs had by counselors. Usually ending with one party feeling ambivalent and other embarrassed. As quickly as two counselors hooked up, they would fall apart. So what we had was more unique. We had each other, we weren't embarrassed of each other only of the secret we had to keep.

Annie and I were isolated, isolated together in a small world of camp. There was no escaping camp, it engulfed us completely. It was frighteningly small but that's always what made it so wonderful. What felts so small and precious soon became small and strangling. Our secrets began to leak as secrets inevitably do... causing more then just gossip, eventually causing real damage.

Chpt 8 As I drive

I press the gas pedal, feel the soft roar of the engine as metal and gears are working underneath me, creating this immense energy.

That's my Annie.

It's that feeling of driving on the highway surrounded by a few other cars but the road feels empty enough. I come to a bend in the road and accelerate slowly then gaining momentum. The centripetal force whips me to the side in a powerful, exhilarating ride around the curve. I love that feeling, being forced to cock my head to the side and the tension in the steering wheel which my small fingers push against to keep the car in my lane. In my daily life, that small thrill brings me so much pleasure, especially when the sun is shining amide a perfectly blue sky.


That's what Annie was like, powerful, thrilling, exciting and beautiful.


She stirred a part of me that had been untouched. So the first time I realized something was wrong I began to panic, like a car on ice, just a victim of the power. The car's power has turned from exciting to terrifying and uncontrollable.

That was Annie too.

I felt something was wrong.

I think now that nothing was wrong but perception is everything. And perception of relationship stability is incredibly important. I've come to realize that once you think something might be wrong, whether or not it was in actually has seized to matter, your thought that something is wrong creates a problem. That's what happened to Annie and I.

I thought something was wrong... therefore something was wrong.

Annie kissed her and I laughed. I laughed because I didn't initially think anything of it. The first time it happened Annie told me. I didn't care at that time because I was so in love and I trusted her not to hurt me. Trusted that my heart was safe in her keeping, that she was somehow more then human and didn't have the ability to hurt me. She was smarter then other people so I gave her my heart willingly. That is a foolish mistake but not a mistake I regret.

But as Annie began to pay her more attention I questioned the stability that was Annie and Clare. I questioned her love for me since she seemed so interested in this other. That was when things when wrong, when I began to think something was wrong.

Chapter 7

Anticlimactic
I finally worked up the nerve to tell Annie how I felt. I had lamented long enough, struggled daily with my indecision and acknowledge my powerlessness over my feelings.

Elizabeth has told me and I believe it to be true: We can control our actions and words but feelings just are. I would like to think that with enough practise I will one day be able to master my emotions. Feel love and content when I'm with someone who is good to me. Feel sadness and regret when I see the harm I've caused others. That I will emotionally be able to cut people out of my life who have hurt me. Deleting someone from my thoughts can be as simple as deleting their phone number from my phone. But mastering our emotions is not as plausible as I've always hoped. There is no on/off switch and no one can tell you how to feel or to what magnitude. That is what makes us human, our ability to feel uncontrollably. In that perspective learning to master our feelings would dehumanize our souls. The internal force which controls our emotions is larger and stronger then our own self will. I've tried to fight it or ignore it but now I feel I should embrace it with caution.



I have been told I wear my feelings on my sleeve, parading and extorting my emotions to the public. Though I may blog candidly, I do not believe this to be true most of the time. I'm as good as any fool at disguising my true emotions, best at displaying the ones I think are appropriate rather then genuine . There are a very few people who instinctively know me well enough that my normal tactics to mask my emotions are futile. But Annie was not one of those people. I had to tell her in simple English, without metaphors to guide me.

"Annie I like you."

"Yeah I like you too."

"No. (long pause, throat swells and heart races) I mean more then just as my friend."

"Oh, that's ok."

Her initial response was anticlimactic. We didn't kiss under the stars and my feet stayed firmly planted to the ground. We just sat on a picnic table in the dark and I avoided looking at her for fear I would start to cry. The campers sleeping peacefully in their cabins was only a distant thought. Rapped up in my own thoughts, the safe atmosphere of the secluded forest felt isolating. It was an emotional moment for me and she acted as if I had just told her the weather report. There was shock to be sure but she did care.

Late that night I texted Laura, telling her how terrible things had gone. I hadn't made myself clear enough perhaps or maybe Annie just didn't like me and was trying to be nice. I had made a terrible mistake. But Laura talked me down from the ledge, using my own advise to comfort me (as she has become too good at doing). I spent the next several days waiting anxiously for something to happen. For Annie to give me a sign that we were on the same page. I expected her to jump into this head first and completely embrace me. Kiss me when I least expected it or surprise me with a love note. But that didn't happen, things continued on in the exact same manner. She was kind and playful with me, flirty and adorable. I felt the turmoil all over again. Stronger, more powerful, engulfing me to the core.

Chpt 6

Chpt 6 Laura made me do it!

Annie wasn't leaving camp anytime soon nor was I. We were spending an increasingly large amount of time together and this made my inner turmoil increasingly large. It would have made my life very simple if she (or I) would just disappear, cause with our separation would bring a controllable denial to my feelings. In my normal life outside camp I suspect that's what I would have done, distance myself from Annie to save my inner confusion. But As long as we remained friends, my feelings felt out of control. I began to come up with a hundred and one reason's I wasn't gay, that my feelings towards Annie as strong as they may feel, were trivial and just 'a phase.' They were not cause for alarm cause every girl liked other girls, or so I had always thought. Weren't all girls attracted to their girlfriends? Didn't all girls want to make-out with other girls? This was the logic which I had always used to justify my feelings.

Besides I was to old to be gay! Didn't most people know when they were in five, six tops ten years old. I was twenty years old and had dated lots of guys, even had long term committed relationships with men. How could this little fact (being gay) have escaped me for so long? I considered myself a relatively self-aware person so how could something so big have slipped under my radar. My homosexuality had masked itself for years, mainly because I was distracted by boys, caught up liking boys and working to get boys to like me. But introspect I realize, I had for years been attracted to girls.

I distinctly remember the first time I saw two girls kissing and the strange wonderful feeling it gave me. The first time I wanted to kiss a girl made me feel just as crazy wonderful. There were college nights I kissed other girls, usually under the influence, but that's what everyone did or so I reasoned. Denial. Yeah I've been there.

As most people should have figured by now I did eventually tell Annie how I felt. Letting my guard down and expressing my feelings though was difficult. First I had to understand what I was feeling, learn to accept that and own my feelings and grow the courage to tell Annie.

I am and always hopefully will be an active person. I can't wait for others to take action, I'm desperately impatient. So living with this confusion without closure or certainty constantly ate away at my daily life. My brain swam with thoughts of Annie, of being gay, how wonderful it might be, how scary. There was only a small patch of untouched brain space. The thoughts all jumbled up together like the unappetizing mixture of food churning in my stomach. Annie tasted good going down but once she was inside of me, really got into my head it made me sick. I was completely vulnerable around Annie but she didn't even know it.

Revised Chpt 3

After a series of complains by an 'anonymous person' (see comments left on chpt 3, 4 and 5) I have decided to revise the picture on Chpt 3 in the hopes that it will allow for me to spend less time defending my views and allow me more time to focus on expressing them. Enjoy and I'm happy to say the next installation is on its way.

Chpt 5

Chpt 5 Am I in this canoe alone?

(No Annie you're not and as long as the memories of us are still alive, I know I'll never be alone either. Annie will never be in a canoe alone, a kayak yes most def. But never in a canoe alone. Unless of course I decide to jump off the canoe and go for a swim : ) Which I did do several times over the summer. )

My responsibilities at camp were simple. Teach canoeing classes, make sure no one drowns and insure a cabin full of 11 and 12 year old girls were having the best summer of their lives. It might sound difficult but it couldn't have come more naturally for me.

The Canoe Dock was as follows: Annie, Amie, Cleo and I were the four counselors in charge down at the dock. But Annie and I taught classes together while Amie and Cleo taught separate classes, so we worked as two sets of partners. There was a lot of prep work to get our dock together and it amazed me how self-sustaining Annie was. She didn't need the 'big strong boys' to help us move things. OH NO! She could lift anything no matter how heavy and wasn't afraid to get dirty or sweaty. I can't say the same for the other counselors but I was impressed and followed her lead. We moved canoes from out of storage, raked the beach, even cleanup dead fish that washed ashore. We made a great team in that first week of prep. She was one of the few people I actually enjoy working with. It was a natural partnership from the beginning. It was a great feeling to look at the dock, our dock, and know that we had accomplished all the work on our own. I felt a great sense of pride and that's a feeling that doesn't come to easily for me. I was surprised how freely that came when Annie and I worked together.

The yummy fish that floated up on shore!

Growing up with two parents who are do-it-themselvers I've learned how to handle myself in a wood shop, chopping wood, using power tools, acting as a mule. I've done more then my share of physical labor, usually with a frown on my face. But when it was just the two of us, I had a great time. I could sense that Annie was like me too. Other female counselors were a bit more dependant but by no fault of their own. I find dependence is one of the most unattractive qualities and in that same breath I thought Annie was one of the most attractive people I'd ever met. I like people who can fix their own problems and Annie fit the bill!

My admiration quickly grew into intimacy and then to lust. I was lusting after Annie (but only in my head). It was a secret kind of lust which festers late at night. Encouraged by my own imagination and maintained by our deepening friendship. I started to look forward to the time I spend with her and always wanting more. The feelings became more real and as she described her past girl friend I became aware of the fact that I wanted to be that next one. I didn't just want to be Annie's best friend, canoe dock companion or partner in crime, I wanted more! With her beautiful personality Annie had uncovered my proverbial G-spot and brought out the best in me. When we were together, I felt we could accomplish anything!



There were just a few problems in my way; I had a boyfriend, wasn't gay, didn't know how to be gay, was terrified to tell her, even more scared of the repercussions and stricken with fear that she would reject me. I had an important decision to make, perhaps one of the most life changing decisions I have ever made. Up there on my 'list of important life changing decisions' along with decision #8- Do I want to go shopping tomorrow? #5-Should I quite smoking? #2-Should I floss everyday? #1- What the mofo am I doing with my life?

I could take the plunge or suppress. Meet the challenge or run from my feelings.

Disclaimer and Chpt 4

Disclaimer:
I have been receiving a lot of criticisms over the post series that I began about my coming out affair with Annie (if I may be so bold as to use the lesbian term). Yeah I'm being bold I guess. I want to make it clear if anyone has found themselves offended by what I'm writing I deeply apologize. For readers who are confused please see the comments left on Chpt 3. If you are in any way offended by what I'm writing I have several suggestions;

1. Don't read my blog. There are much more offensive things on the Internet that you might consider viewing.

2. Ignore my spelling mistakes. I am actually dyslexic. I have been diagnosed by a doctor, have a medical card which states so and have been receiving continual accommodations through my schooling including private tutoring. So hey fucktards my spelling and grammar might not be perfect,I'm trying, I use spell check but I also don't have a professional editor. This is armature writing!!!! BE WARE; Read at Your Own Risk.

3. Finally, if you can't restrain yourself from reading my blog and just can't get over my thousands of grammatical errors then GFY. Sorry I love the Internet and all it has to offer. I'm not going to be discouraged. Just be glad I'm not considering turning it into a book.

I would also like it to be known that Annie, who I so commonly refer to has on multiple occasions vigorously supported the work that I'm doing here. She supports me 100%. The story will mainly be about me and her with only infrequent references to other people who were at the camp.

And so without further delay:

Chpt 4 One Hoe Down

I like a good hoe down like the next girl and I've been to my fair share of square dances but this particular square dance would be one remembered not because of the caller, the great country music or the cute country boys. This square dance would stick in my mind as the turning point whenever thing I had know, the stability in my life would begin to unravel. The days following the square dance I would begin to question everything in my life that was good and stable. It was the night Annie told me she was gay.

The build up to this event was short but very important. I had just learned only several days before that Annie had just gotten out of a serious relationship. She only mentioned her breakup briefly and like all sneaky lesbians she did not mention the gender of the person she had broken up with, so naturally I assume (in my ever so straight mind frame) that she had broken up with her boyfriend. The facts were they had been together for two-ish years, the break up was a long time coming but was facilitated by Annie leaving for camp and she was still obviously in some pain but happy to get away from the drama.

The idea of Annie dating a boy for two years just didn't settle right in my stomach for some stranger reason. (Perhaps it was foreshadowing to the coming romance.) I just couldn't imagine what kind of man Annie would date. Certainly not a jock cause she was to unconventional for a Tennessee football player. She wouldn't date a band geek cause she would have been bored, nor a genius brainyak, not a gamer, an artist or even a deadbeat drop out junkie. There was something just really really wrong the idea of Annie having been in a two year relationship with a boy. It's hard to describe it any other way but it was just a gut feeling I had.

This feeling was justified when, sitting on a bail of hay, watching the other counselors whir around, all of us with cowboy hats on, and with a stick of hay in my mouth did Annie lean into me and say, "I'm gay". It was a simple statement but I know her heart must have been pounding. It's the most nerve racking experience to tell someone regardless of if it's a stranger or your mom that you're gay. I looked straight at her, paused and said "oh, that's cool"
OMG I KNOW!!!! Probably the lamest response possible. It makes me cringe. And I though I don't remember exactly, I most likely followed it up with something like "my roommate is gay." I was trying to show support without being overly excited and enthusiastic. But wow what a stupid response. My actions and words later would clarify my real feelings so I'm not sweating it : )

I felt honored that Annie had to told me and only me that she was gay. She trusted me. It wasn't for many weeks that other counselors began to find out that she was gay. Annie may correct me but I do believe she had felt the need to tell someone and get the burden off her chest.

We sat on the barrel of hay for a while longer, watching the dancers. When I did finally join in, I didn't concentrate on the steps, the music or my partner. I was distracted by Annie. For the first time I was allowing myself to acknowledge the feelings that were coming over me. When I looked at Annie, I no longer looked at her as a friend, I began to feel something more. Though only in its infancy I knew that my relationship with Annie was special and like nothing I had experienced before.

chpt 3

Chapter 2
Week one... no kids just counselor.

The first week of camp was one of camper-free bliss. The counselors divided their time between training, team building exercises, getting to know you games, learning how to handle conflicts and preparing the camp grounds. There were nearly 200 counselors and staff working in four camps and it was easy to get lost in the crowd. It was overwhelming and exciting, with a diverse staff. For some this was their twentieth year returning and they knew the camp from having spent countless hours there. But I was not alone as a newcomer and finding a nitch of friends to felt comfortable with was key to surviving this week of training hell. And I found mine, I was one of five girls whose group dynamics as the summer progressed would change dramatically. As our true personality emerged we would break off into sub cliche' and find new friends. But for the time being, have a little group of friends among all those strangers was a comfort.

Initially I was impressed by each one of these girls. We were each unique, having lived very different lives but fit together in an easy, natural way. Amie with her quite nature, kind eyes and brilliance. Not only did we share the same job, but as we would learn many other interests and common values. I felt safe in her company. Surrounded by so many strangers, it was a comfort to be near someone who I felt connected to in an intangible way.

Sara grew up just minutes from where I lived and we shared a common upbringing. Though her life had been rough, she knew how to have fun... most of the time getting herself into trouble. She lived her life hard and strong and like myself, with no distinct purpose. I related to her depressive and manic tendencies, self destructive humor and no regrets party rule. Later in the summer I would wish longingly for her energetic personality. Her time at camp was cut short.

Annie was funny, kept me smiling all the time. She was responsible as a former-camper-turned counselor. Annie knew the ropes and had familiarity with the camp the rest of us lacked. She always joked self consciously about being home schooled and being a tomboy. Though she was not totally comfortable being gay at camp she was comfortable expressing her masculine side. It should have seemed obvious that she was gay, but unless you're looking for it, those types of characteristics can go unnoticed. It was not until the night she told her she was gay that the pieces of her personality fell into place.

I'm unsure of how I was viewed by the others but that didn't really matter much then and matters even less now. Aside from the occasional e-mail I have no contact with them. Their lives as I know it have come to a stand still. They are frozen in my memory, a snap shot of each taken from my narrow view.

Chpt 2

Chapter 2 Destiny and Fate?

I knew I needed a summer job and my ideal summer job was one that required me to spend a lot of time outside, having fun and of coarse making money. But I never really thought that job existed. Who would pay someone to have fun? However I was lucky enough to find such a job... as a camp counselor. Like I explained in my interview with the camp director, I loved canoing, kids and being outdoors. Most of my interview was a total lie. In fact I hated canoing and knew very little about it. I'd gone many times as a kid with my family and found it frustrating and boring. Usually our family canoe trips ended in me sitting, bored and upset in the middle of the canoe while my parents pulled my dead weight. I loved kayaking though and from the job description I though I'd be able to do plenty of that as well. I figured that I would suck it up and just do canoing cause that seemed like it was a guaranteed position. Now I'm what one might consider a canoing fanatic! I love canoing. I'm capable at both strokes J and C stroke.

The day I found out I had officially gotten the job as a canoe instructor/camp counselor/ swim dock lifeguard, I was thrilled and promptly began to research canoing on the internet. I went to various websites, many of which explained the theory of canoing and stroke techniques. I printed off charts and iinstructional sheets. Silly right? Absolutely. To learn to canoe properly you need to do it, hear the water splash on the canoe, the current(weak or strong) beneath the hull and the smooth paddle in your hand. The smell of the lake and a cumbersome life jacket on.

I would later throw away those charts and picture print outs, opting for the real thing. But I knew I knew nothing about canoing, so the internet seemed like the best place to start.

Like all big changes, the adventure to camp was one filled with anxiety and excitement. Because I would be working at the swim dock and on the lake at the canoe dock, I needed extra training as a life guard, which I didn't have. So I arrived at camp four days early to receive lifeguard and CPR training along with a dozen other counselors. The training was a strange time, friendships formed fast, but just as quickly dissolved. There were a dozen or so complete strangers, all in early adulthood, from very different places with very different personalities. There was a sorority girl, a Scottish bitch, a party girl from my home state, two awkward Germans, an Australian hunk, a southern belle and me, slightly awkward outstanding swimmer but also shy.

We spent two and a half days learning how to rescue the unconscious, the conscious, children, people who fight back and even mothers with children from drowning. The training itself was incredibly unexciting. The end result.... I'm a lifeguard and Annie had made her first impression on me. I am by nature, in the most horrible way, very vain. I really hate that about myself, but I'm being honest here so whateves. Annie has a fantastic body. Absolutely amazing!!! She might dispute that but I wouldn't, and neither would you if you saw her. We spend three days, in the pool and she wore nothing but a tiny little bikini. Like the song: she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weenie... yeah you know how it goes.

I'm not trying to be crude or vulgar, but my honest first impression of her was to be envious and a little bit turned on. Annie was slightly aloof, not just physically tall but there was a distant look in her big blue eyes. She sent out this vibe that was intimidating, mysterious and at times she seemed out of touch. Annie didn't come off as dumb, like many of the other camp counselor I met. On the contrary she is incredibly intelligent. It was if there was a distraction which no one else saw. I have come to love that look of hers. That look of contemplation, knowing that when she does finally speak, she will say something wonderful. Something spot on, that makes me realize she was paying attention the whole time.

Annie Who I Love.

"In my blog, I can turn friendship into meta-friendship, remind people of their importance or their resonance simply by positioning them in my narrative. I've said things in my blog, just like I'm saying things here, that I could maybe never say to Haviland's face, because that kind of thing scares me, emotions--the raw kind--that you say to people...I like words on pages, I like a moment to decide, and then, I like a record of it. "

This probably makes no sense to you at all, but give it time and it will become more clear. Just read on:

To Annie who has brought me here and won't let me leave. To Annie who I love and will always love, even if she leaves me in a canoe alone.

Introduction:

My undying devotion to her began when we worked at a summer camp in nowhere michigan. Those nine and half weeks spent with her are weeks which I never want to forget. So while the memories are fresh but the feelings less raw I will start to explain how those nine weeks changed me forever.

Annie is someone who unlike the other relationships in my life, I will never try to explain or justify, not to myself and most def not to any other fucktard. If you take me into your life, you must take her and all that she means to me. I will never be ashamed or embarrassed of her. To do so would be to destroy the most beautiful part of myself, the part she helped create.

No, Annie is not my girlfriend, we don't meet for lunch, talk on the phone or even send e-mails anymore. But once for a very few months this summer, I saw her everyday. Annie was everything there was to see and nothing was left of me. I would wake up in the morning, get dressed alone. I would fall asleep in my bed alone. But every moment in between those times was devoted to us, just Annie and I. We lived each other’s lives completely intertwined. There was no disconnect between us.

It was Annie who taught me that saying things can be really hard, so I should just write them down. This simple skill she taught me has changed me forever. And now as I begin this quest to document all that has changed in the last six months of my life I must thank her.

Chapter 1: The Day I Almost Died Inside.

I knew exactly where it was, in her backpack! That fucking cunt ass. I hate her. “Annie I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU” This screams in my head, louder and louder until I can’t hear a thing. My anger had overpowered me, my heart was pounding and felt as if it would jump out of my chest at any moment. I pressed my hands to my eyes, the tears pouring down my face. The ugly sobs came slipping out of my mouth making me feel embarrassed and thankful no one was around. My head was throbbing and my feet were racing toward her cabin.

I didn’t want an explanation from her, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt her so bad, so she could experience this pain too. I wanted to see her cry and know that I had done that to her. Because she was causing me more pain then I ever thought was possible.

In retrospect, I was just angry and foolish. I let my rage get the best of me and threw a temper tantrum which destroyed one of the most beautiful thing I had ever made. I don’t regret it now, because I’ve learned about the powerful rage which I can posses. Learned what can cause it and maybe I’ve started to learn how to prevent it. But my actions were one of passion and I do wish I could properly apologize to Annie.

Throughout our summer together Annie and I had kept a notebook. A purple bindernotebook thingy which had “top secret” written on the first page to guard against intruders. It was inconspicuous on the outside but the pages inside were filled with our deepest confessions. Annie and I use to write back and forth in that notebook. Love notes, poems, revolutions, jokes, pictures…. anything at all. It was a dialogue with each other sometimes, and other times it was just a good place to vent. I might write about my fears and she might write about her last girlfriend Anna. We loved that notebook and everything that it represented. It meant that we were each other’s #1 person and had something secret and special. A little gift we passed back and forth everyday. Each time I gave Annie the notebook I was telling her that I loved her and needed her. And each time she gave the notebook back, she was telling me the same thing. This notebook was more then just words on a page, it was a display of love and devotion. Had either one of us been more conventional, the notebook would have been filled with love notes. Or more likely it wouldn’t have been a notebook at all, perhaps mix tapes filled with mushy love songs. But neither of us would have cared as much for that. We didn’t want conventional displays of love, cause our love is anything but.

On that day I was filled with rage, and destroyed our notebook. I tore in into little pieces of paper and left them on her bed, for her to discover. I had hoped she cried when she saw all the broken pieces of our love. But now thinking about it, I begin to cry. I will never ask her for forgiveness now even though I know she’d give it to me. I don’t want forgiveness, I want our notebook back.

Writing Block

Starting this blog off just isn't working to well. I've deleted and rewritten the first sentence like twenty times, and it still seems like poopy doo. Maybe my brain isn't working cause it's so early (really its only 10:28). I have a lot of thoughts in my head but can't seem to make complete sentences, or at least in a fashion that would useful. They're just swimming around in my brain or something. I'm trying make this fleeting feeling into something concrete and tangible. Well maybe it's just writers block? haha probs I just defined writers block exactly.

So to something realllly important: The l word last night was amazing! ps if you don't watch the L word you should start! That's all I'm gonna say. L word= happiness.

I'm at my internship, doing absolutely nothing, I read over a case file when I first got in. But honestly that took me all of 20 minutes and now I'm left with another hour to sit around and wait to shadow a home visit. Home visit you ask? Basically we go to this foster home and snoop around, make sure the kid is happy, healthy and the foster parents are normal, law abiding, nurturing people. I'm actually kinda excited. This will be my second home visit! My first one was with the other closeted office lesbian. Well I think she's a lesbian anyway... she's 30 something, unmarried, use to have a construction business with her brother, dresses like a gay girl and probs she watches the L word (but I've yet to drop the hint) She made some joke about me smoking cloves which I didn't really understand but I think there was a gay reference in there. Anyway I'm just gonna wear an HRC t-shirt on casual friday to see her reaction.

Actually we don't even have a casual friday (booo) I might start circulating a petition in the office for casual fridays. That sounds like an excellent idea!!! But until then maybe I'm just gonna try to drop other subtle hints. I need someway to amuse myself and frankly trying to get Patty to out herself to me would be fucking sweet as hell!

I wanna buy you a drink

It's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to!
Thanks right. Finally i'm 21 and ooooooo I'm completely speechless. It's not so much the drinking that exciting, its being able to go up to the bar and buy a drink, not having a giant x on my hand for five days afterward . Pregaming seems much less necessary. I can go to the liquor store and buy alcohol for myself!
So this was tuesday night: very chill, low key at my favorite wayne state bar. we played a game of thorns and roses. Ok to explain the game: its for a big group of friends. everyone says the low point (thorn) and the high point (rose) of their day. My rose was that that it was my birthday duh and there is 0% chance I will ever get an MIP! HORRAY i made it all the way through being a minor without and MIP. That's equivalent to making it all the way through high school and not getting pregnant. Or not getting into a car crash during the first year of having a license. My thorn was that it snowed like crazy! Probs was best with my favorite night with my coaches corner sisters.
Last night I went out with my homorific boyfriends! There was dancing... lots and lots of dancing. Chocolate and champaign at midnight. A gymnastic drag show. I've never seen someone do a back flip in 4 inch high heals, it was impressive. Pole dancers. twiggy only underwear wearing gay boys. So naturally.. my night was a huge success.
I now have the best pick up line ever: Can I buy you a drink? What's your drink? And horray I did buy a girl a drink!!!
As my dad said: I have the rest of my life to be over 21. So those 21 shots will come in time, but not all at once. I didn't want to be 'that girl'

Try It Once or Die

Here are some of my favorite things I've done only onces:

• Eating bleached cows stomach (not so much my favorite but still a top contendor and it sounds shocking)
• Getting a manacure
• Growing Dreadlocks
• Firing a gun
• Dumpster diving
• Getting pulled over by the cops for speeding, but not getting a ticket
• Making sushi at home
• Having my brother pierce my ears
• Attempting to rap in public

I'd like to reach out into the deep deep abyss and ask anyone out in cyber space what they've done only onces. Please oh please no say ski diving or bungy jumping or anything of that nature. That's boooooring and any shit head with half a brain or who has killed half their brain or has the desire to kill half of their brain (myself included) would do that.
Speaking of brain: This is kinda funny, mostly offensive, sexist and very incorrect.

The Male Brain

As I've learned in my psychology of women class: society and the media encourage the idea that there are more significant differences between men and women then actually exist. We are more similar then different. I think I have a lot of male brain structures... like the lame excuses gland and the tv and remote control addiction center.

FUN FACT OF THE BLOG: Every year 11,000 American injury themselves trying out new and bizare sexual activities. Don't be a victim!

Ala Prima

The Small Objects In My Life

A Key

A Can


Red Lighter

3way

Through a series of accidental clicks which led to mildly interesting web pages, followed by some casual scanning, and more links more webpages I ultimately ended up discovering this strange webisode show 3way. There are only 2 full episodes and I should mention that these episodes are about 8 minutes. The premiere party video is three times as long as their first episode. and probs had a bigger budget. It has low quality film, non existent budget and the set seems to constructed out of refrigerator boxes which were painted and made to look like a backdrop . The acting isn't great, well it's more then just not great, it's bad!
But for some reason I'm really really attracted to this show! I'm not big on commitment, I've shocked myself with the amount of commitment I've shown to my blog. So the quick episodes are perfect for a busy on the run gal like myself. (hairflip)But aside from just being short, it's witty and funny. Both in a gooffy kinda gross, little kid humor way, but also in a more sophisticated, it feels like my life kinda way. But watch this little "confessions" video for yourself. And if you likey watch the first two episodes.

Part of me thinks I'm enjoy this webisode cause it's about a hot lesbians, her first love, new girlfriend and best friend. It reflects my future life with my life long best friend nikki. (shout out nikki) TV has become so perfect, the acting, make-up, jokes, hair, wardrobe... shit even the ugly girls on tv are beautiful. Have you seen ugly bettie without her glasses, or nerdy dork julie stiles in 1o things I hate about you. The average sitcom slash drama aims to portray people's lives through a rose colored lens. That's why TV can be so misleading I think. It gives people the idea that their life is less than, because they don't wear prada shoes, have beautiful friends, go to amazing parties and still manage to have a powerful career. Even the really fucked up tv characters are charming, or rich or beautiful. In a society that is obsessed with beautiful women and rich men, it's no surprise that our entertainment reflects it. But I've realized after seeing this low budget, webisode that television or webvision which doesn't hide the flaws is a better reflection of our real lives. I'm a sucker for the nbc, abc, showtime, usa high powered dramas just like the next guy. But maybe for once, I'll try associating my life with a more realistic one. A show that isn't perfect, not everyone is beautiful, nor likable, nor rich. A show were the line delivery is flawed and subtext is off. One where a 3way is always possible.

Warning: Angry person writing

Warning: Fouled Language, Sarcasm, Mean Jokes, Personal Insults, Excessive Acronym Use & Bitching To Follow

nataliedee.com

Today I just wanna tell everyone to f* off! GFY Good For You! I'm so glad everyone has someone. Everyone has found the love of their life at the age of 20, 17, 22, 21. Well FYI NO you haven't. I might sound like a Bitch but someone has to tell the truth.

• Friends don't let friends drive drunk

• Friends don't let friends ditch their friends, lives, personal hygiene and abandon commitments, just cause friends think they've found "the one".

P.S. Lesbians who move in together after being together for less then 2 months ARE STUPID. Yeah you're stupid. I said it. U-haul all you want but when you break up, cry every night, feel alone and wanna kill yourself. I WON'T CARE. I'll just say I-told-you-so!

Again today sucked.... a lot. And a quick shout out to my friend who's apartment building was on fire last night. YIKES!!! (but Natalie Dee Cartoons make me happy so here is another for you)

And I'm back with only a slight headache. Tomorrow I'm suppose to go see my therapist. Why am I in therapy you might ask? Clare you seem so level headed, motivated, you don't have a substance abuse problem. Wanna know why I'm in therapy, I went, of my own dam free will.

REALLY? After only three sessions I'm regretting it already. This guy is soooooo stupid, it makes me cry. No seriously most people go to therapy and cry about how their mom never loved them, their father was distant during their childhood, and now they can't stop drinking. I'm not like that. When I cry, it's cause my therapist is making me cry out of pity. He speaks so slow and I'm convinced it's because he's actually a 5-year-old boy trapped in an adults body. This five year old boy likes to read, play with toy cars and make poo-poos in the toilet.

I thought to be a therapist you had to be smart. I don’t even think he has an IQ. And for all those jackasses who are thinking to themselves “he has to have an IQ, you should be saying he has a low IQ” I KNOW THAT! It’s a joke. Most of what I write is a joke. Cause I’m a sarcastic mofo.

Sarcasm has made my life a happier place. But the plot twist on cashmere mafia doesn't. A pregnant lesbian and a bi straight girl who wears triangle earings. They might be staying together. Who knows! Find out next week.

Lesbian Best Friends

NOTE: this is a post which i've been working on and off with for about two weeks. It's turned into one of the most ironic post yet. Because as I've proven through my own actions, i'm a total hypocrite. So take this post with a grain of salt. What I write is true, but I don't always follow my own advise.

There is a fine line in any relationship between being intimate friends and being intimate romantic friends. These lines are easier to see when by design, the friends wouldn't be attracted to eachother. For example, a two hetero girl friends or two hetero guy friends. But it's not always so easy. Lately I've been getting a lot of questioning about my close lesbo friends and our "possible romantic relationship" which plain and simply doesn't exist.

So where is the line between two gay lesbian girlfriends and two lesbian GIRLFRIENDS?

Here are some important guide lines to follow, the do's and dont's to stay just friends!

Do- cuddle, spoon, sleep in the same bed, and have sleep overs!

Do- announce your love for each other in public, private, online, through tx and with little notes left on eachother's pillows.

Don't- kiss on the lips

Don't- make out in the bathroom of a club.

Do- go on trips together, family trips, business trips, shopping trips, road trips etc.... trips but don't trip up on these trips.

Do- model underwear and lingerie for each other (M!)

Don't- get really drunk and confess your desire to be together.
Don't- share a jail cell (Bette! Hellena!)

Do- make-out when your drunk and then acknowledge that ewww it was gross and no you don't have feelings for eachother. Even if she was a good kisser.

So that was the old post I was working on: but like I said before, a bit has changed and I'm not the best person for following my own advice. Yeah whateves. I'm happy being single and happy having friends. Like most.

New Job

So i have this new job! YEAH which i'm hoping will give me more time to blog. Cause there are really only two reasons I don't blog more:

1. there is absolutely nothing going on in my life at all!! or
2. I have way too much going on and don't have time to write any of it down.

Lately surprisingly it's been the latter. I know right, I'm shocked too!!!


So the job, (well it's not a job cause i make about 0$/hr, it's an internship) But totally worth it (I hope)! I'm trying to get myself excited for it. Anyway I hope they don't work me to hard and i have some spear time to blog slash read my emails slash keep up on the other 500 blogs i like to read. This internship seems like it's actually gonna be pretty amazingly awesome. I'm basically working in the child care system and there is going to be tons of top secret confidential stuff that happens that I can't talk about at all to anyone! mostly stuff like kids being abandoned, forced to do drugs and other horrific acts of bad parenting.
Lucky for me the worst parenting events i ever experienced were my mom not cooking dinner ever!!! Being forced to eat cereal for dinner (well i really loved that actually) and not getting a christmas tree for like eight years straight.



So this is going to be an eye-opening experience. And there will be a lot less of this in my life (see picture at right) And there will be a lot more responsible behavior instead but no promises.

ps My birthday is coming up betches!!!!!


Also once I get all of the events of the weekend straight in my head expect a long extensive blog. A lot occurred only some of which I remember slash understand. I'm working it out in my head before so I don't have some word vomit on my blog.

A Blue View

Girl In Blue

Oil, originally started as a portrait of my friend Leslie. But I had to put it aside for six months because it felt wrong. Picked it back up and it changed a lot. The face is lost and the body is encompassed in change.

Cloverfield Made Me Sick

Cloverfield was the best worst movie I've seen. Low budget, intresting plot, hot actors, all hand held cameras, good special effects and no eye transplants (unlike the other movie would could have seen). My besties nikki and I went today to the 3:30pm showing. It was a great movie that made me sick. It reminded me of homevideos my dad use to film. But instead of being filled with little kids, birthday cakes and pinyatas, there were sophisticated going away parties, aliens and skyscraper hopping. And unlike my six birthday party it needed a warning label.

Warning: Cloverfield. PG-13 Do not see if you are pregnant, nursing, have a history of high blood pressure, a weak stomach or just ate.

It was scary! Very scary! I screamed multiple times and left the theater having bitten all ten of my nails down to little nubs. When the movie ended, kinda abruptly I might add, nikki and i looked at each other. And we both felt really really nauseous. I had to go to the bathroom, take two tums and lie down.

I'm not exagerating even a little bit: the movie almost made me puke!


My favorite quotes from the movie:
"What is that?" "It's a terrible thing." "What is that?" "I don't know. Something different. Something also terrible."

Um terrible, how about. HOLLY FUCK IT'S A MONSTERALIEN which is destroying all of New York. A terrible thing is the understatement of the century. Terrible things are when you get a flat tire or the stomach flue. Being killed by a freak monster that destroys all of manhatten. That's a bit more then a terrible thing.


There were moments in the theater that I actually thought I was gonna die!

But I'd recommend it 100%

When I Need a Ride.

Last night I feel apart. And Fliec was the only person who was there to help me pick up the pieces.

Thursday was a day which was doomed from the start. It is after all Thursday, kinda shoved in there before Friday with no real purpose but to annoy and taught. As a college student I’ve grown to love Thursdays cause it’s the last day I have class, but also so removed from the upcoming week I feel completely dissolved of responsibilities.

But yesterday didn’t feel right from the beginning. Maybe cause I skipped my therapist appointment, had been spending too much time at home and got in a fight with my mom, or ate too much and then felt really sick. I don’t know? I had plans last night, but never heard from nikki. It worked out well because I didn’t really feel like making the drive to see her anyway. So when I got home the roomie and I each had a drink. It wasn’t a real drink, it was a DRINK!!! With at least 3 shots in it. I had mine with V8, hot sauce, pepper and celery. DELICICIOUS. There was nasty beer I had later in the night.

The drink was good, the night was not. In not so many words I lost it. I’d been holding onto my shit all day, but at the frat house we occasionally visit, I didn’t feel right. My roomie drove (which was a dumb move on my part). So I felt stranded there, and I needed to leave, go home and cry alone. Roomie was ‘a waste case’ So; I texted slash called all my close friends. But there was a storm watch, didn’t answer my call, she was in the library, she was getting to drunk to respond, she lives to far away etc…. And each of my strong hold friends fell through. They just couldn’t be there for me. But Fliec could. And all I said was “please come get me I need to go home”

“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that ive hurt you. I really am”
“I’ll be home soon. I can give you a ride if you need one.”
“I’m getting of the freeway”
“Here”

And I left that notorious frat house to get into a much less notorious car. From beer pong to bright eyes.

Yeah, we haven’t talked in over a week, and during that time I haven’t cried much. How did she know that I really needed her. I needed someone to save me from the situation and Fliec was that person. She told me last night in the car that she’s terrible at keeping a date. Invite her to the movies, dinner, a funeral even and she will most likely cancel. She’s irresponsible and would seem flaky to others. That’s not really who she is. I understand why she cancels on people and disappears from her friends. For control. But when you really REALLY need someone, when I really REALLY needed her last night, she was there. Fliec was the only person who was there.

Not m, e, bean, fed, chaz, the pachota sisters, my big, jay w, even meg couldn’t do for me what she did.

We talked in the car, Fliec knows she’s stuck with me for life! She changed me, has left a mark on my heart which time won’t ever forget. Some people walk in and out of my life without changing me, but not her. She knows that too. Fliec told me about her life. It felt amazing. I wanted to stay there listen to bright eyes, looking at my fence, waiting to climb over it and hear her entire life story. But that couldn’t be and the call from her girlfriend reiterated that. She had other places to be, even with her wondering eye. I realize that we both desperately want to be in each other’s lives. We understand and appreciate each other without much explanation. That kind of love is hard to find, a love with no needed explanation. But until I can look at her and not want to fall into her arms, she’ll keep her distance and I’ll be forced to keep mine.

She said she loves me. I said I love her.

I didn’t kiss her. Made progress. Told her my deepest fears and then climbed the fence. Broke into my own apartment. And cried.

I cried for everything that she was. For how much she still cares. She was the only person who knew how to save me last night, and the only person who could.

One day I’ll save myself, maybe one day I’ll save her?