First love, will it ever be the last?

True love it's on my mind.

As I've gained more relationship experience I realize that how I define and identify true changes. Reflecting back on past relationships I realize that what I considered love then, was not the same as what I consider love now. My first real relationship lasted almost a year, and though the breakup wasn't painless, it was swift. When we broke up I knew in my heart that I would never ever not for a million dollars (well maybe for two million dollars) get back together. I could still stand on my own two feet, make myself happy and feel confident in my happiness. But each successive breakups since then have become increasingly more difficult. Sure I had a few that were easy to let go, but it's only cause I never liked them much to being with.

Most everyone I am close friends with right now is in a committed relationship. It's really surprising actually. But they are not just in any space-filling, bored, need someone to go to the movies with me- relationship but rather the kind they think slash hope will last forever. (like a diamond) Yeah they all think they are in deep true mad love. hahah. I can only laugh. I'm in the lucky (or unlucky) position of being very... yes very single, you got that right. I'm single ladies. But not really looking. Totally besides the point.

Why is breaking up so hard to do? Why is unidentifying yourself with another person difficult? Why do we stay in unhealthy relationships because we fear being alone forever? Why do we loose our self and how do we find that person again? How do we prevent from loosing our self or is that an inevitable part of falling in love? Can you fall in love and not loose yourself?

No i don't think you can- I wish I could. I really do. But I think part of falling truly madly deeply in love means doing things, acting in ways, skipping class, ignoring friendships, blowing off commitments, changing priorities, and ultimately reorganizing your life. That's what we do when we fall in love, loose our self. When the breakup comes it hurts, not only cause you realize you've lost that person, but also cause you've lost yourself. Who do you call when you feel down? How do you spend next saturday night? What made you happy before they entered your life? sometimes you don't know. That's what's really scary. It's what frightens me to the core. How does loving someone else turn into loosing yourself?
I want answers people. I don't have them but probs neither do you.

Perhaps there is something beyond true mad love. A love that makes sense, has boundaries, keep your space and yourself identity. Love that isn't consuming, where you still know who you are. Or maybe that's not love at all? It's only pretending to be love. So if loosing love can be so hard why do we crave it in the first place? We know the stakes are so high! Is the ultimate reward higher? Is love worth it?

"Within you I lose myself
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."
-Unknown