Chpt 5

Chpt 5 Am I in this canoe alone?

(No Annie you're not and as long as the memories of us are still alive, I know I'll never be alone either. Annie will never be in a canoe alone, a kayak yes most def. But never in a canoe alone. Unless of course I decide to jump off the canoe and go for a swim : ) Which I did do several times over the summer. )

My responsibilities at camp were simple. Teach canoeing classes, make sure no one drowns and insure a cabin full of 11 and 12 year old girls were having the best summer of their lives. It might sound difficult but it couldn't have come more naturally for me.

The Canoe Dock was as follows: Annie, Amie, Cleo and I were the four counselors in charge down at the dock. But Annie and I taught classes together while Amie and Cleo taught separate classes, so we worked as two sets of partners. There was a lot of prep work to get our dock together and it amazed me how self-sustaining Annie was. She didn't need the 'big strong boys' to help us move things. OH NO! She could lift anything no matter how heavy and wasn't afraid to get dirty or sweaty. I can't say the same for the other counselors but I was impressed and followed her lead. We moved canoes from out of storage, raked the beach, even cleanup dead fish that washed ashore. We made a great team in that first week of prep. She was one of the few people I actually enjoy working with. It was a natural partnership from the beginning. It was a great feeling to look at the dock, our dock, and know that we had accomplished all the work on our own. I felt a great sense of pride and that's a feeling that doesn't come to easily for me. I was surprised how freely that came when Annie and I worked together.

The yummy fish that floated up on shore!

Growing up with two parents who are do-it-themselvers I've learned how to handle myself in a wood shop, chopping wood, using power tools, acting as a mule. I've done more then my share of physical labor, usually with a frown on my face. But when it was just the two of us, I had a great time. I could sense that Annie was like me too. Other female counselors were a bit more dependant but by no fault of their own. I find dependence is one of the most unattractive qualities and in that same breath I thought Annie was one of the most attractive people I'd ever met. I like people who can fix their own problems and Annie fit the bill!

My admiration quickly grew into intimacy and then to lust. I was lusting after Annie (but only in my head). It was a secret kind of lust which festers late at night. Encouraged by my own imagination and maintained by our deepening friendship. I started to look forward to the time I spend with her and always wanting more. The feelings became more real and as she described her past girl friend I became aware of the fact that I wanted to be that next one. I didn't just want to be Annie's best friend, canoe dock companion or partner in crime, I wanted more! With her beautiful personality Annie had uncovered my proverbial G-spot and brought out the best in me. When we were together, I felt we could accomplish anything!



There were just a few problems in my way; I had a boyfriend, wasn't gay, didn't know how to be gay, was terrified to tell her, even more scared of the repercussions and stricken with fear that she would reject me. I had an important decision to make, perhaps one of the most life changing decisions I have ever made. Up there on my 'list of important life changing decisions' along with decision #8- Do I want to go shopping tomorrow? #5-Should I quite smoking? #2-Should I floss everyday? #1- What the mofo am I doing with my life?

I could take the plunge or suppress. Meet the challenge or run from my feelings.